Travel Fear

We're getting ready to leave for our trip to Maui and I'm not as freaked out as last time. Last time we flew to Hawaii, I was so stressed out and nervous that I was actually vomiting in the airplane bathroom most of the flight. It was all due to some weird mind trip I threw myself on. I was never afraid or nervous about flying, I had 5 other adults to watch my kids and play with them, I knew where I was going... but still. I freaked myself out and had a panic attack in an airplane over the Pacific Ocean. A few months ago I flew to Denver all by myself and had a wonderful successful trip. Now, I'm flying to Maui. I can do it. I don't have to be scared. I have everything I need and I can't wait to land.


Change, or Moral of the Story: Feel the Bern

So much has changed in my life lately, without hardly changing at all. I still live in the downstairs bedroom of my parents house, I still drive my high school car, I still don't like to go anywhere unless it happens to be with people I absolutely love. But those are just surface details. I can feel my self changing, I've been learning so much about my craft. I'm almost confidant enough in my self to actually call my self an artist. I've been learning new tools and techniques, color theory, weave structures, I even got the larger of my looms, the Sanjo 8 harness, moved into the house! But more than that, I've been learning a lot about humans. I've been reading and browsing a lot on race relations and gender identity. There is so much anger and misunderstanding in this world, it feels like the only thing I can do is gather as many perspectives as I can and sort out the gentle, peace-filled ones, and add my own to the pile. The world is a beautiful place, and it is filled with people who do scary things. I hold onto the hope that the love other folks have for the world will spread just like the anger, and as it infects me I will pass it on to the next person. Like the zombie virus.

I took this picture after a glorious old woman in a 15 year old
hand knit sweater told me I "look very poetic." I felt her
words in my bones.
In the last few years, I have stuck to my same haircut of the half shave, letting the "long" part of my hair grow. And now it's longer than it has been in my whole life. I can actually put my hair in a real bun without using fake hair! My hair stays back with only 2 bobby pins!!! That would have been a useful skill in my ballet days. Oh well. Kaya is having the opposite problem I had as a ballerina, her hair is so long an straight, I'm not sure how to get it to stay in a bun! One of the things I have felt changing is my relationship with myself. I've always been a silly dresser, holding very little regard for social beauty standards and modern concepts of beauty. But a lot of that always came from a place of "i'm not pretty anyway so why bother?" But now, I feel pumped on myself sometimes. I'm better at finding clothes I like, despite whats trendy or whatever. I really like this version of my haircut for the first time in a long time. I've been way more consistent about exercise and self care lately too. I notice my body really hurts when I'm not following my work out routine. I've always hated the idea of working out, but I've also learned how to embrace my likes and dislikes and not let that weird 90s sell-out vibe control my life choices.

I think one of the major changes in my life has been accepting that this is who I am and not even I can change it. So I'm not perfect, but there is a lot of love and life in my soul to share, it's time to stop getting in my own way.

Sometimes, my car won't start. But I've learned how to that the 3 tube thingies off and spray the chemical tool into the square hole and reattach all the tubes and then my car will start! Yay doing stuff!