Changing My Life- One Room, One Meal, One Project At A Time

I cooked again! Yeah I did! Tonight I made cheesy broccoli and potatoes and hamburger. It was all organic and all delicious! KaBean even ate it! Wellllll, sorta- she didn't want hers but she ate almost a whole bowl worth of mine. and she liked it. yes she did. Woot!!!
So I actually cooked a good dinner beeee-cause...... I cleaned my kitchen really well. I washed all the dishes, wiped the counters down and rinsed all the milk bottles to bring back to the market. So all the surfaces are clean but I still need to do the floors. poo.
One thing that feels really good and positive and that I think is helping me relate better to my kids is my new intrest in my projects. I got that wonderful loom that I have been working on. You know, trying to do color work and what not... Then there is my new collection of yarns! I got 24 new balls of yarn, that would be close to thousands of yards of fiber! oh my god squee!!! I have tons of fun very cool, very new projects to cast on the needles and I just can not wait for it!!! And then there is the. biggest. news............................
I GOT A SPINNING WHEEL!!!!!!! yaayyy!!! oh my god yay. oooohhhh ooohhhhhhhh!!! yayay oh my god, i can't contain myself. aaahh....
Being more creative in my own right helps me create with the littles. They need me to play and color and paint and play. lol.

I feel like my depression is lifting and I am slowly getting back to myself.

Life Changing... One Day at a Time

My house is a disgusting mess.

Like gross.

Like I don't want kids in a place like this.

The depression that I was going thru and I'm now trying to climb out of, left me with no energy to clean up or wash dishes or do laundry. So now, I am trying, with some success to clean my house from top to bottom before I leave to visit my grandma and aunts tomorrow. I have been working on it for days now and when I look around I can see the small progress.

I feel like this is my chance to change my life, and the life of my children. I have big dreams of un-schooling, farm life, and spinning, but I know it wont work for me our my children if I can't get it under control. It being my awful neatness skills.

Knitting...?

So I have felt a bit stagnant in my writing... but not so much in life... hmmm.
Things are slowly improving here, tho I admit I am still feeling a bit stuck in my energy... I feel it coming back bit by bit and I can't help but worry that it will all be drained when we get back from my grandma's house.

Ok but I am not here to whine tonight... I am here to talk about knitting! yay!
sorta

Ok so- I started my first pair of socks... not only am I knitting socks, I am knitting little girl socks. which is really hard. like tricky hard. and they're pink. What can I say, I made the mistake of letting her pick the yarn. So far they look really nice (except for the color lol), I worked little seed stitch clusters into the leg part... cute.
Next- I have this fluffy yellow yarn that I got a thrift shop that is very light weight. So I am knitting it into a fluffy neck warmer-ish lace thing. based on this pattern. So far it looks pretty cute!
And last but not least I was working on what I thought would be a really cute hat until I actually started to knit it and realized that "oh no, this looks like a penis" and sooooo I started again. and again. And now I think I have it. Jess came over and brought some beer and a chat and she said "don't worry about it. just knit." and so that is what I shall do. eep!

So I got a ton of really nice yarn at the yarn sale this weekend and I really want to work with that but I feel like I need to let the perfect project present itself...

Yay! I Finished The Birthday Hat!!!

So first may I say, the kids and I had a great day! I really feel positive and like I might be on my way out of the worst-mom-ever slump I was in. We even had a rough bedtime bed I hung in there and we made it thru. Now one of my support network aka safety-(so-i-don't-go-nuts)net is coming over to help me work on my loom. yay!
So here is the hat I made for Lil Pip's 2 year birthday.

ok so i know it isn't a great shot but when I get my camera fixed I will take good pics of as many FOs as I can find.

Yay knitting!!!

I Sooo Made Dinner.

hells yeah I did. I cooked! I chopped the veggies and... well, not much else really. I guess I stirred the pot a bit too. I made "I wonder if this stuff will cook well together" Soup. I sauted the onions then added 2 whole chicken breasts and let those cook for a bit, then tossed in some garlic. cook cook cook simmer simmer simmer. Then I added a box of organic veggie stock and some bright orange lentils. cook cook cook simmer simmer simmer. Then some carrots and celery. I only let those steam a bit because I hate mushy veggies. Then it was done. simple yes, boring... um yeah, that too. But it is way better than the jelly sandwiches and fruit and cereal I have been serving lately.

I decided to make soup because the huz came home and started whining about "I don't feel good... waaa" so I thought to myself "when a huz doesn't feel good a good wife makes him organic chicken soup." So that is what I did. Then he goes and tells me he isn't hungry and doesn't want any. Then KaBean chimes in "I don't like it Mommy" just so you know, she hasn't even looked at it yet.

And so, here I am, enjoying what turned out to be a delicious soup all bymyself because I just don't have it in me to fight every one about dinner.

When it is gone I'm going to the coffee shop.

Edited to add-
I ended up going to a bar (oooh fancy a real grown up place where no kids may tread!) with Melinda and eating real fancy grown up food and drinking a stout. mmm. It was very nice, we chatted and relaxed and it was chill. I came back to the house to find everything pretty mellow. Wade-O had indeed eaten some of the soup but then said it was too much. "Well you didn't have to take so much," said I. "No there was too much in the pot," quoth he. "I don't understand what that has to do with anything. I'm going to my mom's to watch Idol," replied I.
So I packed up the Man Child and fter making it very clear that KaBean HAD to be in bed (not asleep just you know, lying down in her space) by 8:30. So what did I find when I came home at almost 10? I found Wade-O asleep and KaBean sitting up watching another Kipper. When I woke up Huz to ask him to please put Bean to bed it woke up Man Child. Then Bean didn't want to brush her teeth and so the bedtime that I thought he would have just done, because he is the father, became this big episode that I had to direct and force. lame.
I had a really good day, lots of thrifting, new yarn, yarn sales, 10% off everything at my favorite grocery store (weee-session Wednesday), drinks with a very good friend dinner... ahhh... I should have known it was too good to last.
oh well, things are getting better over all and despite his uselessness, I am 100% glad to have my man back home

Update #2

So today was not perfect, but oh so much better! I did find myself in that place where I usually blow up but because I was aware of it and because I am learning to remember the triggers, I was able to pull away before it boiled over. When it was time to go, I could feel KaBean's attention slipping away from me and the process of dressing to go outside. So instead of letting her slip away until I freaked out trying to get her to do what I tell her, I sat down, took a few deep breaths and calmly spoke to her about what I was feeling and how our actions were beginning to upset me. We talked about what we needed to do before we could get in the car and what we were going to do once we started driving. I just had to slow down and not feel so rushed. We were on no time limit so it isn't like we had go fast or anything.
The day isn't over yet, but I still feel confidant that we can get thru this rut.

thanks for the support.

Update

So here is the game plan-
First, positive affirmation- I am a great Mom. I love my kids more than life itself and I know I can do this. It is going to get better but I need to acknowledge these emotions and learn from them. It is going to take time but I am going to feel better. soon.
Now, The Plan- Melinda came and facilitated a few hours of semi-alone time. The first I have had in a long time. The plan is to continue finding, eking out bits af alone time. Time to breath, spin, knit, read... My mom has said that she totally understands, my dad used to travel all the time when I was a kid too. She is going to look after both of them for a few hours this weekend so I can do whatever I want... maybe even nap in an empty bed? Best of all though, Wade-O is supposed to be home for a few days starting tomorrow. So I will get to see him and work in some time to myself. yay.

I don't want to cause any worry, I don't think I have it in me to spank KaBean again. The energy it takes to recover from it is too much to bear. In fact, I think that might have led to my mini-melt down. I know I am not this mother. If I was I don't think I'd be talking about it an the web.

We had an amazing dinner time/chill out/bed time tonight. We all played and ate together (except the baby, he's still not ready for solids). Then went for a little drive to the headlands to see the ocean. Then we all brushed our teeth together (except the baby, lol). I let KaBean watch Kipper while I nursed the Man Child to sleep and when he was out, I snuggled with Bean for almost an hour and a half. Sometimes we talked about about things, sometimes not, she even let me finger brush her hair. (she just came out and asked me to take her jammies off so could sleep lol). When it was time for her to go to bed she started to resist and I specifically asked her to please lie down because mommy needs alone time so she doesn't get sad or mean any more. My daughter looked at me and said "ok, you get sad because you miss daddy yes? me too. it's ok. he's be home tomorrow." And she went right to her bed and lay down. She is still awake, she just came to me for help but went right back to her night time space. I can hear her singing.