Word Vomit and Gratitude Sunday

I'm loving watching these Littles of mine grow. This week has been hard for us. Almost all their toys and games have been boxed up, furniture is being moved, and we're out of catsup because I refuse to buy anymore food we won't use up before we leave. i'm mean like that i guess. but really, what am i supposed to do with a twice used bottle of catsup? And with all this unpleasant change has come outbursts and temper tantrums and disagreements... and about half of that is me. in my defense, i was also sick AND it was my Shark Week. But despite all this, I see my kids and their perfect moments... the ones that happen all day long but maybe I'm not paying enough attention and I miss it. Just now, I finished nursing the ManChild and gently got up to pee, "I'll be right back," I said, "I'm just going potty. Sissy will hold your hand." I wasn't gone but maybe a moment and when I came back, they were still holding hands, fast asleep. 


I know I've been neglecting this silly little blog. Which is super lame of me, I have brilliant ideas to share all day long. But to be honest, blogging and moving sucks. I feel like I complain about it all the time and no one likes a whiney blogger. but SHIT! moving totally blows. didn't i just pack this godam crap? I've been so caught up in not-organizing that there are no knitting pictures... heck, there's been literally and absolutely zero knitting. And I know at least some of you dear readers come for the yarn. don't pretend you don't. There also haven't been any kid pictures either really. Well, my camera hates me. It says asshole things like "no, i won't focus on that awesome texture," and "sorry, sweetheart, but we all know your kids/knitting/dog/those mountains are cuter blurry/dark/bright/not in the shot." ok, maybe the last one is my fault. And since getting hit with the world's hugest over use fee on my data plan fuck you att, I've been pretty anal about my phone usage too. So yay! blog with no pics whoohoo!!!! And I don't know why else anyone would read this silly totally awesome blog. Except maybe for the diapers. I promise I have an awesome cloth diapering a toddler/potty training post coming up... if I ever actually sit down to write it. Oh and we've been reading awesome things, so I have a post in my head for both Ginny's Yarn Along and Unschool Monday... But I have to actually write those too... shit.

But today, what I do have, is Gratitude Sunday with Taryn. Her posts are always so magikal, I wish everyone would go over and read some of them. Also, she and her husband, Jeff, make the most wondrous buttons and things out of reclaimed wood and wood the find on their property, as well as salves and ointments, that they sell at their Etsy shop. 

Oh well. I'm so grateful for everyone who reads this blog and all my ridiculous word vomit. It would be cool to hear from some readers, if any care to comment, what types of things you'd like to hear more of... give me some ideas. 

I'm so grateful that my family is letting the kids and I stay with them for a few months while Huz gets some more things finished.

I'm soooo grateful to Snoop Lion for hosting my man's first EP. I'm grateful that Snoop let Huz use his studio, I'm grateful to DaeOne for making the beats all original, right there during the sesh. 

And most of all, I'm so grateful to my man. I'm thankful that I get to see his face on and off thru out the months. I'm thankful for 6 years and 2 beautiful babies. he still thinks i'm hot, even when i don't. I'm thankful that his job is structured to give us time apart to miss each other, lol. 

thank you air, thank you blood, thank you fire and water and body. today was an awesome day.

To Start the Day

~Today starts with no coffee I drank it wall yesterday. Even though I knew there was none left and I knew that I'd be a full dollar short after paying for shipping confirmation on the 2 pretties I just sent out in the mail. A skien of handspun for one of my favorite online peeps and ... erm- cough... a surprise for one of my favorite in real life people. 

~Today will see us at the "big playground" as soon as KaBean wakes up, gets dressed, and eats something. I think we found desert sage growing near our favorite playground, but I'm pretty sure it's part of the landscaping and may therefore be coated with pesticides. If it is not wild or if it looks like it is probably maintained with some sort of chemical cocktail I will leave it there and move on... If not, I will be gratefully clipping a branch and thanking the plant and earth and neighborhood for such a special gift. The bundle that Huz brought out with us on our move is almost gone. We burn it like crazy here, love sage. So it's time to get some more... speaking of which, i need to find my red string!

~Today finds Huz and the ManChild awake before 7am. I know I know... someone out there is probably like "that's nothing my fill-in-the-blank gets up at insane-ungodly-hour!!!" But still, this is my story and 7 am hurts my brain sometimes. Instead of chilling in bed nursing, the ManChild is currently racing his matchbox cars across the steamer trunk that came over the ocean with my great great grandmother's people from some no longer in existence European country. A very loud game for a momma who woke up before 7am to no coffee. 

playground here we come.

My Family Bed

This morning I half woke up to the little, sleepy request for boobies. The ManChild was gently tugging on me, getting me ready for our day. He nursed, I fell back asleep. When I woke up... um, later?... my big family bed felt empty and I was lonely. I know I had just been squished between my beloved Huz and the rascally ManChild. But now they were gone. I looked over my shoulder and could see KaBean's feet pointed at me from the other end of our bed, but no Huz, no ManChild. "oh sheep shit, he's in the wool room touching things." thought my sleepy brain, so I leapt out of bed and rushed to my wool room to find it empty. Then I went to Huz's office, where I found him getting in some early morning work. "He's gone." I told my man. We both started the search upstairs and upon determining that he wasn't in the top half of the house we went downstairs. There we found him, curled up and asleep in the brown chair. Out like a little light. Looking so peaceful there in his little pile of self... Huz carried him back upstairs and placed him by his sleeping sister and they both sort of reached for each other and kept sleeping.

I love sleeping with my family. I love being able to rub KaBean's back when she has a nightmare or a cough. I love being able to nurse the ManChild without leaving my bed or even fully waking up. The kids love that Poppa is right there to snuggle with and that I am right here to hold hands with while we sing bedtime songs. Someday Huz and I will have our bed back and we can stretch out and... um... you know, take naps and shit, but that wont be for a while yet, and I'm reveling in the closeness of our family while we have it so available.

So Here Is Why I Stay Up Too Late

...I don't want to be touched. or looked at. or spoken to. or cried for.
...I don't want to feed anybody. or share the ice cream. or kiss boo boos.
...I don't want to answer questions. or help with sweatshirts. or shoes or the potty.

I Just Want To Be Alone.

Unlike other SAHMs I don't have the huz around to watch the kiddlets so I can run to the market. or yarn shop. or dance class. or the friggin bathroom. If I want to go anywhere, ANYWHERE, I have to pack the diapers and the toys and the clean clothes and the Beco and buckle everyone in. Then I can go where I need to go... not where I want to go. We tried to go to the yarn store today... it went ok but not really. KaBean put a $44 skien of wool in my bag when I wasn't looking. Luckily, the yarn shop lady is ah-maze-ing and simply took it back laughing.
Unlike most single mothers I don't get to (have to) drop them off at day care to go spend 8 (glorious child free) hours at work.
Nope, not me. I am with these 2 small, needy, whiney, sticky, hungry, bored offspring 24/7. and really i want rip my hair out.

Sometimes. But then I turn around and see Bean sharing her toys willingly with her brother. I watch him look at her and say thing. you know babies do- long sentances of sounds that make sense only to the baby. And she looks back at him and listens to him like she knows just what he is saying. Then she comes over and kisses my hand (her new thing) and says "I love you Mommy."
And I forget all about pulling my hair out.
Then Bean does something that make the Man Child laugh. Not chuckle or giggle, but full on belly laugh! I mean my fat little baby sits there waving his arms up and down guffawing! So stinking cute...
And I forget about being alone.
I can not imagine my life without them in it. I don't want to drop them off for a long day at a job that probably wouldn't pay me enough any way. But I do really want Wade-O home so that when I start to feel overwhelmed I have to option of going somewhere alone. Even if it is just to the shower without the worry that I'll have to get out mid shampoo if someone starts crying.

A Success Story and a Peaceful Bedtime.

I just got to put both babies to bed in my bed with me in the middle. Can I just say how amazing it feels to nurse one while the other has her arm around my neck whispering, "I love you Mommy. And I love the Man Child, and Daddy, and Isis..." this truly is my reason for living.


It had been hard for me to really mother these 2 little beings for a while. My co-parent, their father, my lover had been gone on business for waaay to long this time and the 3 of us were wearing thin. I was starting to get mad and easily frustrated with Bean having to leave the Man Child to cry while I sorted her out. But yesterday and now today have been true attachment parenting successes! Even with Bean having a bit of a stuffy nose and a low temperature, she has been fun and mostly agreeable. Not perfect... lol... she is 2 after all. Bed times like this reaffirm my belief that I can be a gentle peaceful mom and that my kids will not grow up to be spoiled rotten, they will be confident knowing they are loved and free to express themselves without fear of judgment or ridicule.

I Do What Is Best For Zen or The Vaccine Question

Breast feeding on demand for two years is absolutely best for my baby. It has everything his growing body needs, it comforts him, he knows I am here for him 100%.

Cloth diapers are absolutely best for my baby. They are clean, easy to use, soft on his bum, chemical free, and I know every single person who has touched them since the last time I washed them.

Co-Sleeping is absolutely best for my baby. He hears my heart beat and knows I am there for him. If he gets hungry we just get closer and he can root his way right to my breast. Co-sleeping absolutely prevents SIDS. If you are drunk or smoking or super tired you could roll over on your baby, good thing I don't drink or smoke and I take naps.

Baby wearing absolutely best for my baby. He doesn't cry when I wear him, which means I don't have to stay up and walk the floor with a sad baby. I know where he is all the time, either on my front or my back. I'm helping his neck and shoulder muscles develop. In fact, he will probably, sit, stand and walk sooner than his bucket baby peers. He might not, but that's up to him. I can nurse in public without nosey jerks noticing and still play with Kaya while holding him.

Keeping my son intact is absolutely best for my baby. I didn't mutilate his genitalia during his first week of life. Isn't that the best reason not to anything?

There are conclusive studies on how all these things are the best things you can do for any infant but there are studies on both sides of the vaccine debate that are right-ish. The thing is, if I read only anti-vac studies there is enough information there for me to say ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN NOT! But if I read only pro-vac studies there is enough for me to say HELLS YES!!! This is something I just don't know how to solve. I can shave my head, knit a frog, and nurse my son all in the same day, but I just can't decided if I should vaccinate him or not...

Baby Noises in the Dark

My boy dreams like a puppy and my girl snores like her dad. I don't think I could sleep without these two close to me. The soft little shuffles of Zen rooting for my breast so we can both stay asleep is so peaceful and amazing. I wish we had a bigger bed so Kaya could sleep on my other side. I close my eyes and find his soft little feet under the blankets... remember when Kaya was this small?

We've been without James for 1 week and things are getting better. We can do it.
Zen is a 4 weeks old but wont be a month old till Monday.
Our GrowVia hybrid diapers got her today. Zen is testing them before we put them to 'long car ride' use.