Impressed

When I set the Shawl out like this, Huz looked over and said, "wow, you made that?... Now I'm impressed." Silly man- yes, I made it. As you should be. This is the most complicated project I've ever attempted. I love it because it is challenging me to be a better knitter and getting me ready to knit christmas gifts. When I read other knit bloggers I get down on myself a little, "why oh why can I not knit like her or her, or her" and I have to remind myself that I've only been knitting a couple of years and some of these people have been knitting since birth! Others are freakishly talented and I just have to steer clear of those folks. Knitting the Martinmas Shawl is beautiful practice. Getting me ready for the days when I can just knock sweaters off the needles like nothing, teaching me to follow a simple pattern to prepare for when I knit my first pair of Cookie A socks. It is interesting having something besides the kids that I want to get better at. It used to be dancing, and not even really all that whole heartedly. I worked really hard (sometimes) to be the best dancer I could ever be, because I loved dancing. Now I love knitting and I want to become really good at that someday.


ps- it's raining in Las Vegas. I love it! we went outside and collected some in a jar and KaBean and I danced around with our arms up thanking the sky for it's gift. Bliss. Really, really bliss.

Sloppy

This post is not about knitting or cute kids. Self Reflection Zone Ahead. You have been warned.


Everything about the way we do things is, feels, sloppy. Sloppy isn't quite the word I'd use... yes it is. And not just is in a "clean" kind of way, but in the way we lead our lives. That old quote "cluttered room, cluttered mind" has really been resonating with me for the last few days. I look around our McMansion and see the clutter. But we don't really own a lot of "stuff." No large pieces of furniture, huge toys, things on the wall... stuff... The few things we do have are strewn about the house like leaves. There is another quote floating around the peaceful parenting/ attachment parenting facebook pages that goes along the lines of "play with your kids now, while they're small... you can clean your house later." This is really amazing and touches me to the core and I love it. But I find myself wading thru junk all over my house. The kids and I try to keep up with it, but honestly, I'd rather be playing with my kids or knitting or, well, sleeping, than cleaning things. We don't own a ton of clothes, but we have tons of laundry, and it's everywhere. The kids really don't have an excessive amount of toys, but the stuff they do have ends up getting kicked aside to make room to walk... I feel like the only thing in the whole house that is even remotely tidy is was the Yarn Room. Until, that is, the kids and I went on our trip and Huz converted my space to the clean laundry pile room. It is better this way (not for me or my stash), in as much as now the clean and laundry really doesn't have the chance to mingle. I usually don't mind messes. It really doesn't bother me, but lately it has been too much. Almost like a reminder of all the non-consumerist and artistic ideals I have while living such a convenience, consumer based life. It doesn't help that I dislike/am not good at cooking. I like to bake stuff from time to time, but the whole "fresh ingredients" thing puts me over some sort of edge. When I look around the kitchen I see Starbucks cups and plastic bread bags and recycling and it over whelms me, the Stuff-ness of it all.


 And the diapers. I'm having diaper guilt. Since moving to the desert, we haven't used cloth. Well, a few times. But not enough. I'm torn here between the water used to wash the dipes and the impact of the sposies on the planet. But that's a whole different post. The point is, I think it's time for us to rework the way we live. Scratch that, it's time for me to change the way I live and help my kids make better choices. I think despite his best intentions, Huz is a lost cause.


But it goes even deeper than just the surface stuff. There is always crazy financial issues, in any family. There is education and the dog and work and the car and the ever-present guilt that maybe I'm doing wrong by my kids in every choice I make. But the way I handle these things is a defining trait in my life: I'm sloppy. In my mind, my car, my kids. Every thing from the way I eat to the way I spend money to the way I keep house. It all just comes out sloppy. Even my spinning is sloppy, but I haven't been practicing much *cough*at*all*cough*. My knitting is at least nice still, but then maybe not... we'll see, I've made such headway on the F@#king Shawl. radness.


sorry about the emo word vomit, thanks for listening.

Walking with Kids

I have to remember that even in this heat, these kids of mine think everything is worth stopping for. Every rock on the ground and airplane in the sky. Every bird call requires speculation as to how big "that eagle was..." regardless of wether or not there was actually an eagle. usually not. I have to remember that it isn't about me, it's about them and how I hope they'll see the world when they start making their own decisions. It's about showing them that they can trust me. That I know they want whatever it is and chances are that I have a plan in place to get it for them and 'now would you please hold my hand so we can cross the street to get to the playground where you want to go?!' The point of putting cut up fruit low in the fridge is not to save me the trip of actually putting the knitting down to feed them (ok, maybe a little) but to give them the feeling that they have power over at least some parts of their day. A well supplied art drawer where they can get to their projects helps keep the house well decorated them feel like they can create whenever they want. Nursing The ManChild whenever he needs it keeps me on his time... and now they are pulling me upstairs for bed, and he is very upset... boobies out!

G*R*A*T*I*T*U*D*E S*U*N*D*A*Y

Today I'm joining Taryn at WoolyMossRoots again for her beautiful, centering...

G r a t i t u d e  *  S u n d a y

{Sunday's heartfelt tradition. A time to slow down, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes.} 

~Reasons 1, 2, and 3... but not in any order. This man, these children... they make my world go round. Waking up to this small group of people is the most amazing blessing I could know. They just came and pulled me into their wrestling game. great, i'm gonna get another black eye. love it.

~The heavy breezes of the last few days has brought the temperature wayyyy down, it's 75 in the house without the air conditioner on! 

~We haven't had a car for a few days and it looks like it'll be another few weeks before we get our faithful Camery from NorCal. Now I didn't think this would be something to grateful for but what with the weather here we've...

~Been able to walk to the grocery store 3 days in a row. It's only an Albertson's, but they have decent organic and I can manage it... see today's next post. lol.

~When I set out my Fiber Stash for the 2012 Ravelry Flash Your Stash thread, I re-fell in love with some of that fiber. It is an amazing blessing to be able to craft something both useful and beautiful in this time of instant gratification and endless consumption. When I knit or spin I feel at peace, calm... all the worry I needlessly harbor about the water usage in Las Vegas, weather or not my kids will grow up to be good people, food shortage, money shortage... everything just goes away and all I can see is the yarn and the needles. Simple knits, complicated lace... it gives me a center. a good place to be.

what are you grateful for today?

Goodby, Cabin.

We didn't get to do as much as I had wanted in our last month on the coast, but just living in the forest and letting the kids soak up nature every day was bliss. I already miss our quiet cabin in the woods. The desert heat and dry air has succeeded in making all of us sick. So I huddle around these pictures, and the other pics of the kids in nature and I try my best to remember what fog feels like... what rain smells like... the sound of the ocean... the frogs... man, why do people choose to live here?

This is the ladder to the loft and where the kids sleep and watch movies... You can see my wheel tucked behind the ladder and the sleeping mat and pillows and stuff all piled up. One sleeps on the couch, one sleeps on the mat. It's a good set up.

Wood burning stove. Best. Ever.

Kitchen and front door. OK, only door. but it's kind of cool...

Kitchen window... 

Fire place window... I like the look of the ax and the bobbins... I think it's like my version of leather and lace. lol

Bad pic, but this is the only view from the loft pic I have. :(

And this... maybe my favorite thing ever... The View From The Toilet. Honestly, nothing is more awesome than watching nature when nature calls.

posted from Bloggeroid

Over the Hills and Thru the Woods...

Or

G r a t i t u d e  *  S u n d a y

{Sunday's heartfelt tradition. A time to slow down, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes.} 

Because nature and beauty are always things to be grateful for...

ps- click the link to go to Taryn's page and see her list, it is always so beautiful and inspiring.
pps- get really really inspired and write or own list, then link it... or not. just feeling grateful is worth it.

This is what we get to live in and see every day! All these pictures were taken walking between my parents house and the cabin on our neighbors property, where we are staying till it is time to move all the way to Las Vegas. I love this cabin and I LOVE these woods. I'm going to miss this place so very much when we go.

Abundant Trilliums. For Taryn...

Old Growth Redwood Log... and Boy.

These wild flowers smell like honey.

Up the hill to my Parents House. 

When we were kids growing up in this forest, that stand that Bean is climbing in was one of our
lesser forts.  But now it is the perfect size for my Littles.

Calypso Orchid. There is a whole patch of these growing right next to the trail/driveway. I love walking past
 them and seeing all this color. The forest flowers this year are amazing!

Another HUGE old growth stump near the cabin. There are so many great places for the kids to play!

Hey look! It's the Man-Child, pants-less in the forest. As a man child should be. lol.

That colorful blur there is KaBean falling off the same log that Kevin Foster fell of when we made a Robin Hood movie in our church youth group. The only thing that would have made this moment match that moment perfectly would be the Littlest Beeman somewhere in the background saying "that's so re-mantic..."

Living in this cabin, in my woods, is the best way to finish off our time on the coast. Seeing my kids play where my brothers and I played is so special and amazing. I am so blessed. I am so Blessed.

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 11, or Clean Porch

There are no befores, just imagine this same porch covered in bags of stuff for goodwill, bags of recycling, a stroller and other random crap, all covered in a layer of dead rose bush stuff... Ok, it wasn't that bad but it would have been soon if I hadn't been inspired to clean it.

ps- The BEST possible thing you can do to your cloth diapers is to hang them in the sun. Even if they won't dry because it is cold and damp, as long as they are wet and in the sun they are being cleaned. We're talking smell- gone, germs- gone, diaper rash- gone. and it is super free. Well, I guess it cost me as much as the rack I use... The one in these picks was like a bajillion dollars new, lame. and the thing I use to dry my covers is just the side of my old drop side crib. works.

posted from Bloggeroid

Socks and Pattern Adaptation...

I need to stop improvising on patterns... There is this crazy need that comes over me everytime I see a pattern or a yarn I like, "oh, I can do what ever I want to this sweater pattern..." or in this case, socks... I thought if I just added a few stitches, I could make it work... right? well, I added 16 cast on stitches to make it a larger sock, and so far compensating the math for the number of stitches in the heel and the number of rows needed to work the heel and even turn the heel, but now... I can't get the math to add up for the gussets. The pattern says "needle 1- 19, needle 2- 24, needle 3- 19, so my math should work to be 1- 25, 2- 32, 3- 25. but it isn't working!!! i just want to knit a fucking suck. bastard knitting. you always come in so sweet and simple, "oh look at me, i'm a simple sock pattern, you can do it... oh go ahead and add some stitches to me, it'll be easy." because adapting sock patterns is everyone's drug, right?

oh, and it turns out that when a pattern says "s1 p1" the slipped stitch is in fact slipped purl wise. who knew?


edited to add: "HA!!! I fixed it! good thing i know how to count.

Misunderstood...

A while ago I had the revelation that parenting was like taking care of someone in a natural disater. You don't want FEMA showing up with guns, barking orders, making the situation worse... you want someone to come in and speak with calm authority and a gentle plan. But now that my Girl is going to be 4 I find that not everything that upsets her is because of some major crisis or disaster. Sometimes it is the result of me not choosing my words properly... The other day, she was sorting some awesome magnet toys by color when we had to get in the car to go to grandma's. She got her magnets on their board and climbed into her car seat. Here is a close re-telling of how the conversation went:

"ok, please put your magnets down on the seat so I can buckle you in."
"ok, not yet, i'm finishing."
"sweetheart, you can finish later"
"noooo nowwwww!!!!!" and so the tantrum and the struggle to get buckled began. About half way thru trying to strong arm her into her arm straps, it hit me. She thought that when I said later, I meant, well, later. So I stopped what I was doing to her, she yelled and was angry for a bit and then I began again.
"Sweetheart, do you think I will not let you have your crispy-cookies (that was the game with the magnets, i guess) back?"
"mmmmm"
"Well, what I meant to say was that as soon as you are buckled you can have your magnets back."
"mmm"
I went on to explain to her, after she was buckled with her magnets back safely in her lap, that sometimes mommy might say something that is good but it might not come out sounding like that. I told her that if she didn't like the sound of what I'm saying to ask me what the plan is. She seamed satisfied with that and then let it go. When we got back into the car to go home, she put her magnets on the seat next to her and said "I can have them back later when I'm buckled, right mommy?"
This morning, she asked me for a morning cartoon and I said no, not right now, maybe after lunch. She looked at me and said "What's the plan?" so I explained the simple version of my very busy day and came to the part where she could watch a movie after lunch. Well, she thru her fit anyway, and I sat with her and held her hand while she was upset. When the crying ended, she seemed to have forgotten about the movie and hasn't asked me since.

It is hard to be new to this world. She has such a greater understanding of the universe than anyone knows, but the language she possess isn't always enough for even the simplest communications. I try to take it one thing at a time, but it is so easy to get frustrated and bossy. I just keep telling her I love her no matter what and that even if we are sad today, tomorrow will be better.

Fluffy Mail!!!

First off, the fun stuff, I got my fluffy mail today! The boring stuff- Thirsties Pre-Wash and Rockin' Green Cloth Diaper Laundry Detergent (Soft Rock- Bare Naked Babies). The exciting stuff- FuzziBunz Double sided Wipes and my very first Rumparooz G2 One Size Diaper w/ 6-r  Soaker (Aplix fastener) in Platinum. That's right, we now have a platinum colored diaper. Ballin! I already love it, but it hasn't been washed yet and that seems to make a difference in the softness. In the next few posts I think I'm going to start reviewing some of the fluff and fluff related products I get. I'll start with our first diaper purchase and go from there.

But that is another post, and right now I'm going to talk about my day...

J Wizzle left this morning, sad, and the house is a mess, sadder. I should be picking things and cleaning since I got both kids to bed at the same time (score 1 me!) but instead I am going to watch Robin Hood and work on Melinda's cowl. Tomorrow I will be going to the MYS with Jamie to get some advice on the project while Bean is in day care, I'm kinda nerdily excited about it! My mom told me I was an old lady but I just laughed. This is fun! I got more done on this project while Wade-O was home than I had been able to get done in a while and that felt really great!
Our day went pretty well, J Dub left at noon and the kids and I sort of hung out together for a while. We played "You can't caaaaatch meeee!" with Bean. I hold the Man Child in the carrier and sort of fast walk while K Bean runs through our house squealing and having a really great time. Then we played "You can't fiiiinnnd meeee!" Bean will hide under the blanket and then squeal and have a really good time when I pull the blanket off her and find her. Then, get this other moms of 2 babies, We All Took A Nap At The Same Time!!! Yes we did. It was glorious! Man Child slept and Bean slept and I got to sleep too!!! (Hence being up blogging at 11pm) It was even Bean's idea. I think she thought she was playing a game until she started snoring!
Any way, I'm off to my knitting.

Baby Noises in the Dark

My boy dreams like a puppy and my girl snores like her dad. I don't think I could sleep without these two close to me. The soft little shuffles of Zen rooting for my breast so we can both stay asleep is so peaceful and amazing. I wish we had a bigger bed so Kaya could sleep on my other side. I close my eyes and find his soft little feet under the blankets... remember when Kaya was this small?

We've been without James for 1 week and things are getting better. We can do it.
Zen is a 4 weeks old but wont be a month old till Monday.
Our GrowVia hybrid diapers got her today. Zen is testing them before we put them to 'long car ride' use.

Day 6: A Much Better Day or Diapers in the Mail!

Kaya had daycare today and she was sooo good getting ready to go. Dropping her off was great, she was really good. Zen and I had a fine, calm day until he had projectile vomit all over our bed! It got in his eyes, his ears, his nose, his armpits... I even found some in his diaper! He got a bath and even though he has never liked baths in the first place, he was so good and relaxed. He let me clean him all over until I got to his hair, he didn't like that at all! We went to pick Kaya up and it was a disaster! She was so upset about something... I don't know what, but she had an accident during nap time and then a melt down. We had to get the other teacher from the baby room to hold Zen while I comforted Kaya.
I think she really just needs me. She needs my undivided attention, not me while I listen out for Zen or watch a movie with her while I nurse. I want to do something really special for her but what? My mom will take Zen for an hour or so and Kaya and I can go to the beach or maybe the toy store and get some paint and do a project. I want to give her everything I gave her before we had Zen. She needs lots of love and affection and attention and want, need to be the one to give it to her.
But by the time I got them both home she had cheered up a bit and we got on with our day. The best part of the day? Our new FuzziBunz came in the mail!!! These cloth diapers are so cute and soft and surprisingly easy to use! I love cloth diapers!!!!! I am pleased to report the rest of our day has gone smoothly, no major incidents to report!

Now on to Ice Cream, Knitting, and Torchwood.

Day 4 etc. etc. etc.

So today was decent. Natalie was here over night and helped with bed time and getting Kaya ready for daycare this morning. But she was still kinda grumpy when she got home. Her teacher said she didn't nap at all, so I know she was just tired. I have to learn to be more patient with her when she takes forever to do as I ask. She is frustrated that Daddy is gone again and I think, even though she is always kissing him and loving him and telling us how much she loves him, I think she is a little jealous of Zen. She was doing sooo well but recently she started having accidents again. She started the day she went to daycare after Zen was born and it hasn't really gotten better. On the up side, she did wake herself up in the night to go pee.

Poor little Zenjamin has the snuffles. No fever, just a really stuffy nose. I don't really know what to do besides wait it out. Kaya was stuffy for a 2 days and got right over it, so maybe tomorrow or the next day?

I got really mad at the cowl I'm knitting for Melinda. It wasn't really it's fault, you know, I was doing the knitting. So I decided to take a break from it and go back to working on Jamie's hat. What I really want to do is start a new hat for Kaya but I need to finish something before I start something new.

Now I am off to bed!

Day 2 as a Semi-Single Mom

Sooo... day 2 started off kind of rough. Man-Child woke up at 6 am and wanted to nurse and chat and look at stuff, but I convinced him to at least chill and relax while I rested some more. Then K Bean woke up at 7 but she was easy, I put on UP and she stayed in her bed until it was over. We woke up and had a shower and got the kids in the car and went to my moms where the day got wayyyy better.

We had a rough night though. Poor Bean had a really stuffy nose and a cough all night. Then the poor, ill feeling girl had an accident in the middle of the night. she was sooo sad, I was heart broken. At some point the CD I had on Man leaked and we woke up in a horrible puddle. I think it was a Bum Genius AIO. I found a few disposables in the back of my closet so we'll be in those (at night) until my favorite baby shop in Mendo opens back up on Weds. I got my first FuzziBunz this weekend and I love it!

Well, night 2 has begun and so far Bean hasn't coughed Man is asleep and we're off to a good start.

yay!!! Finally!!!

So as of today, my new baby is 2 weeks old. The delivery went really well, better than I could ever have imagined! It took 5 1/2 hours and I only pushed for 15 minutes before he came out. K Bean was there in Daddy's lap for the whole thing! She got a little freaked out for the pushing but Wade-o got her all stoked and excited when they saw his head come out. She likes to say "Mommy was making scary sounds and baby brother was purple!" Having a baby at home is such a different experience than having a baby in the  hospital. When we had Bean, she was born in the hospital and when she came out she went to the doctor then a nurse then another nurse for all the tests and things then to J Wizzle and then , finally, to me. This time, as soon as he came out, he was placed right on my chest where they were able to check his lungs and heart beat and suck the goo out of his mouth and nose. In the hospital they took my baby then surprised me with having to push out the placenta, at home I got to hold for as long as I wanted while we waited for the cord to stop pulsing before any one made me push again. The hospital made me lay on my back to deliver and gave me no real method of controlling my contractions, at home I could walk around or do squats or get in the tub full of warm water. The water was amazing, the warmth and the buoyancy helped relieve the contractions to a point where I felt I could really ride them and I really knew when to push. In the hospital, the nurses and doctors told me when I was or wasn't having a contraction (I was hooked up to all sorts a monitors), they told me when to push and when not to. This time I was truly encouraged to listen to my body and channel my inner goddess and birth this life on my own, in my own way. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt like bitch, but it was an amazing pain. Life giving, life altering. I didn't have to wait for any go ahead, I said I was ready to get out of the water after snuggling him close for a moment and the midwives and my beloved doula helped to dry me and wrap me while Wade-o said hello to his son. They helped me to my bed, only steps away, and got me settled then put his little face to my breast and started nursing. He didn't want it at first but after a second of thinking about it he latched on.

At birth he weighed 7 lbs. 8 oz. and was 21 1/2 inches long. As of Wednesday he had already gained a whole pound! I will call him "The Man-Child" and so far he is living up to it. K Bean has been a great big sister but I think she is starting to get bored with waiting for him to play with her...

The recovery was so simple, I was up and moving about days after his birth rather than weeks as I had been with K Bean. I didn't tear this time and I didn't want any drugs, I felt so powerful and I knew I could do it all by myself. We still spend as much time in bed skin to skin as possible but we have already been to the play ground with Bean and the grocery store twice. Oh and the baby boutique! He loves outings.

So that's it. The Goddess has truly blessed my family and I can't wait to see what comes next.

Some Stuff Done, Still More to Come

Every time I think I have a handle on the To-Do list, it seems to get longer.

The good news is that I got all the laundry done despite having a broken dryer. I did have to take it all to my mom's house and use her appliances, but that is ok with me, I think it go done faster that way. I hung the belly cast just to get it out of the way but it still needs to be primed and decorated... I figured we could all do that as a family when J Dub gets home and this baby is finally born. The rug in the living room still needs to be laid out and both that and the carpet in the bedroom need to be cleaned while I still have mom and dad's steam vac. I need to do it soon because once I return that I can borrow the sewing machine and make my curtains. I finally laid out a cleaning schedule so I don't get so overwhelmed everyday when I wake up and realize my house is a pigsty.

Hopefully, getting the cleaning part of homemaking down will inspire and help me get to the cooking part. The ideal for our family is good home cooked, mostly vegan meals at least twice a day. There is an amazing grocery store here that has great sales on all types of organic, gluten free, or vegan packaged goods but I need to start cooking things from scratch too. I have a great collection of vegan and gluten free cookbooks, the recipes I have tried have all turned out well, and I enjoyed making them. But something always stops me from doing it on a regular basis. Usually it is the fact that my sink is still full of dishes from yesterday, or even a few days before! I don't want K Bean to grow up loving prepackaged, over processed foods, but she will if I don't change my act soon. Even organic gluten free cereal bars are still over processed products of the food industry.

Tomorrow my midwives come to check up on the little guy in my belly and make sure he isn't running out of room. I have a lot to do in the morning before they get here. Goodnight!