Word Vomit and Gratitude Sunday

I'm loving watching these Littles of mine grow. This week has been hard for us. Almost all their toys and games have been boxed up, furniture is being moved, and we're out of catsup because I refuse to buy anymore food we won't use up before we leave. i'm mean like that i guess. but really, what am i supposed to do with a twice used bottle of catsup? And with all this unpleasant change has come outbursts and temper tantrums and disagreements... and about half of that is me. in my defense, i was also sick AND it was my Shark Week. But despite all this, I see my kids and their perfect moments... the ones that happen all day long but maybe I'm not paying enough attention and I miss it. Just now, I finished nursing the ManChild and gently got up to pee, "I'll be right back," I said, "I'm just going potty. Sissy will hold your hand." I wasn't gone but maybe a moment and when I came back, they were still holding hands, fast asleep. 


I know I've been neglecting this silly little blog. Which is super lame of me, I have brilliant ideas to share all day long. But to be honest, blogging and moving sucks. I feel like I complain about it all the time and no one likes a whiney blogger. but SHIT! moving totally blows. didn't i just pack this godam crap? I've been so caught up in not-organizing that there are no knitting pictures... heck, there's been literally and absolutely zero knitting. And I know at least some of you dear readers come for the yarn. don't pretend you don't. There also haven't been any kid pictures either really. Well, my camera hates me. It says asshole things like "no, i won't focus on that awesome texture," and "sorry, sweetheart, but we all know your kids/knitting/dog/those mountains are cuter blurry/dark/bright/not in the shot." ok, maybe the last one is my fault. And since getting hit with the world's hugest over use fee on my data plan fuck you att, I've been pretty anal about my phone usage too. So yay! blog with no pics whoohoo!!!! And I don't know why else anyone would read this silly totally awesome blog. Except maybe for the diapers. I promise I have an awesome cloth diapering a toddler/potty training post coming up... if I ever actually sit down to write it. Oh and we've been reading awesome things, so I have a post in my head for both Ginny's Yarn Along and Unschool Monday... But I have to actually write those too... shit.

But today, what I do have, is Gratitude Sunday with Taryn. Her posts are always so magikal, I wish everyone would go over and read some of them. Also, she and her husband, Jeff, make the most wondrous buttons and things out of reclaimed wood and wood the find on their property, as well as salves and ointments, that they sell at their Etsy shop. 

Oh well. I'm so grateful for everyone who reads this blog and all my ridiculous word vomit. It would be cool to hear from some readers, if any care to comment, what types of things you'd like to hear more of... give me some ideas. 

I'm so grateful that my family is letting the kids and I stay with them for a few months while Huz gets some more things finished.

I'm soooo grateful to Snoop Lion for hosting my man's first EP. I'm grateful that Snoop let Huz use his studio, I'm grateful to DaeOne for making the beats all original, right there during the sesh. 

And most of all, I'm so grateful to my man. I'm thankful that I get to see his face on and off thru out the months. I'm thankful for 6 years and 2 beautiful babies. he still thinks i'm hot, even when i don't. I'm thankful that his job is structured to give us time apart to miss each other, lol. 

thank you air, thank you blood, thank you fire and water and body. today was an awesome day.

My Family Bed

This morning I half woke up to the little, sleepy request for boobies. The ManChild was gently tugging on me, getting me ready for our day. He nursed, I fell back asleep. When I woke up... um, later?... my big family bed felt empty and I was lonely. I know I had just been squished between my beloved Huz and the rascally ManChild. But now they were gone. I looked over my shoulder and could see KaBean's feet pointed at me from the other end of our bed, but no Huz, no ManChild. "oh sheep shit, he's in the wool room touching things." thought my sleepy brain, so I leapt out of bed and rushed to my wool room to find it empty. Then I went to Huz's office, where I found him getting in some early morning work. "He's gone." I told my man. We both started the search upstairs and upon determining that he wasn't in the top half of the house we went downstairs. There we found him, curled up and asleep in the brown chair. Out like a little light. Looking so peaceful there in his little pile of self... Huz carried him back upstairs and placed him by his sleeping sister and they both sort of reached for each other and kept sleeping.

I love sleeping with my family. I love being able to rub KaBean's back when she has a nightmare or a cough. I love being able to nurse the ManChild without leaving my bed or even fully waking up. The kids love that Poppa is right there to snuggle with and that I am right here to hold hands with while we sing bedtime songs. Someday Huz and I will have our bed back and we can stretch out and... um... you know, take naps and shit, but that wont be for a while yet, and I'm reveling in the closeness of our family while we have it so available.

Sloppy

This post is not about knitting or cute kids. Self Reflection Zone Ahead. You have been warned.


Everything about the way we do things is, feels, sloppy. Sloppy isn't quite the word I'd use... yes it is. And not just is in a "clean" kind of way, but in the way we lead our lives. That old quote "cluttered room, cluttered mind" has really been resonating with me for the last few days. I look around our McMansion and see the clutter. But we don't really own a lot of "stuff." No large pieces of furniture, huge toys, things on the wall... stuff... The few things we do have are strewn about the house like leaves. There is another quote floating around the peaceful parenting/ attachment parenting facebook pages that goes along the lines of "play with your kids now, while they're small... you can clean your house later." This is really amazing and touches me to the core and I love it. But I find myself wading thru junk all over my house. The kids and I try to keep up with it, but honestly, I'd rather be playing with my kids or knitting or, well, sleeping, than cleaning things. We don't own a ton of clothes, but we have tons of laundry, and it's everywhere. The kids really don't have an excessive amount of toys, but the stuff they do have ends up getting kicked aside to make room to walk... I feel like the only thing in the whole house that is even remotely tidy is was the Yarn Room. Until, that is, the kids and I went on our trip and Huz converted my space to the clean laundry pile room. It is better this way (not for me or my stash), in as much as now the clean and laundry really doesn't have the chance to mingle. I usually don't mind messes. It really doesn't bother me, but lately it has been too much. Almost like a reminder of all the non-consumerist and artistic ideals I have while living such a convenience, consumer based life. It doesn't help that I dislike/am not good at cooking. I like to bake stuff from time to time, but the whole "fresh ingredients" thing puts me over some sort of edge. When I look around the kitchen I see Starbucks cups and plastic bread bags and recycling and it over whelms me, the Stuff-ness of it all.


 And the diapers. I'm having diaper guilt. Since moving to the desert, we haven't used cloth. Well, a few times. But not enough. I'm torn here between the water used to wash the dipes and the impact of the sposies on the planet. But that's a whole different post. The point is, I think it's time for us to rework the way we live. Scratch that, it's time for me to change the way I live and help my kids make better choices. I think despite his best intentions, Huz is a lost cause.


But it goes even deeper than just the surface stuff. There is always crazy financial issues, in any family. There is education and the dog and work and the car and the ever-present guilt that maybe I'm doing wrong by my kids in every choice I make. But the way I handle these things is a defining trait in my life: I'm sloppy. In my mind, my car, my kids. Every thing from the way I eat to the way I spend money to the way I keep house. It all just comes out sloppy. Even my spinning is sloppy, but I haven't been practicing much *cough*at*all*cough*. My knitting is at least nice still, but then maybe not... we'll see, I've made such headway on the F@#king Shawl. radness.


sorry about the emo word vomit, thanks for listening.

Walking with Kids

I have to remember that even in this heat, these kids of mine think everything is worth stopping for. Every rock on the ground and airplane in the sky. Every bird call requires speculation as to how big "that eagle was..." regardless of wether or not there was actually an eagle. usually not. I have to remember that it isn't about me, it's about them and how I hope they'll see the world when they start making their own decisions. It's about showing them that they can trust me. That I know they want whatever it is and chances are that I have a plan in place to get it for them and 'now would you please hold my hand so we can cross the street to get to the playground where you want to go?!' The point of putting cut up fruit low in the fridge is not to save me the trip of actually putting the knitting down to feed them (ok, maybe a little) but to give them the feeling that they have power over at least some parts of their day. A well supplied art drawer where they can get to their projects helps keep the house well decorated them feel like they can create whenever they want. Nursing The ManChild whenever he needs it keeps me on his time... and now they are pulling me upstairs for bed, and he is very upset... boobies out!

Mendocino Coast Botanical Gardens

The Mendocino Coast Botanical Gardens are, in a word, Awesome. They are beautiful and fun and now, they even have a kid trail. Nice. These are just a few pics from our last trip there before we left. I love this place, one of my best friends parents were married there, then years later a different BFF was married there. So beautiful. You go from beautiful, manicured heather, succulent, and dahlia gardens, thru a mini-wetland, wild and hybrid rhododendrons, into a totally native (maybe, i don't know enough about plants... ) pine (again...?) forest, then out onto the headland... You can look out at the ocean and see prehistoric pelicans, the whales on their migrations... There is a nursery and vegetable garden and a kid trail. Paved trails for strollers and wheel chairs with wide, smooth bridges and enough side trails and rickety stream crossing for the mild adventurer. I could go on and on... go to their website, then go. Go to the Gardens, you wont regret it.

OK, So Yesterday When I Said "Tomorrow..."

Maybe I was being a little... ummm... optimistic...

In all fairness, I did write the post before I knew Huz had loaned his money maker (aka the pro camera) to a "student of his..." wtf? for real, if this student breaks, looses, or sells this camera how are we supposed to feed the kids? Any way, I thought that since I wont be getting the camera today, I should start by organizing the Stash and WIPs (works in progress) to make the shoot more efficient... plus, I like fondling wool. Here are a few pics of my Fiber Room, from the floor, with my laptop camera...

As you can see, over turned baskets, projects and needles strewn everywhere... It's probably a good thing I can't use the camera today...

Goodby, Cabin.

We didn't get to do as much as I had wanted in our last month on the coast, but just living in the forest and letting the kids soak up nature every day was bliss. I already miss our quiet cabin in the woods. The desert heat and dry air has succeeded in making all of us sick. So I huddle around these pictures, and the other pics of the kids in nature and I try my best to remember what fog feels like... what rain smells like... the sound of the ocean... the frogs... man, why do people choose to live here?

This is the ladder to the loft and where the kids sleep and watch movies... You can see my wheel tucked behind the ladder and the sleeping mat and pillows and stuff all piled up. One sleeps on the couch, one sleeps on the mat. It's a good set up.

Wood burning stove. Best. Ever.

Kitchen and front door. OK, only door. but it's kind of cool...

Kitchen window... 

Fire place window... I like the look of the ax and the bobbins... I think it's like my version of leather and lace. lol

Bad pic, but this is the only view from the loft pic I have. :(

And this... maybe my favorite thing ever... The View From The Toilet. Honestly, nothing is more awesome than watching nature when nature calls.

posted from Bloggeroid

Over the Hills and Thru the Woods...

Or

G r a t i t u d e  *  S u n d a y

{Sunday's heartfelt tradition. A time to slow down, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes.} 

Because nature and beauty are always things to be grateful for...

ps- click the link to go to Taryn's page and see her list, it is always so beautiful and inspiring.
pps- get really really inspired and write or own list, then link it... or not. just feeling grateful is worth it.

This is what we get to live in and see every day! All these pictures were taken walking between my parents house and the cabin on our neighbors property, where we are staying till it is time to move all the way to Las Vegas. I love this cabin and I LOVE these woods. I'm going to miss this place so very much when we go.

Abundant Trilliums. For Taryn...

Old Growth Redwood Log... and Boy.

These wild flowers smell like honey.

Up the hill to my Parents House. 

When we were kids growing up in this forest, that stand that Bean is climbing in was one of our
lesser forts.  But now it is the perfect size for my Littles.

Calypso Orchid. There is a whole patch of these growing right next to the trail/driveway. I love walking past
 them and seeing all this color. The forest flowers this year are amazing!

Another HUGE old growth stump near the cabin. There are so many great places for the kids to play!

Hey look! It's the Man-Child, pants-less in the forest. As a man child should be. lol.

That colorful blur there is KaBean falling off the same log that Kevin Foster fell of when we made a Robin Hood movie in our church youth group. The only thing that would have made this moment match that moment perfectly would be the Littlest Beeman somewhere in the background saying "that's so re-mantic..."

Living in this cabin, in my woods, is the best way to finish off our time on the coast. Seeing my kids play where my brothers and I played is so special and amazing. I am so blessed. I am so Blessed.

posted from Bloggeroid

Absence...

I am house sitting for my parents again. woot! It's wonderful to be here with my kids... we get to play in the forest all day, go in the hot tub when we feel overwhelmed, and watch movies on a real tv instead of my lap top. The three crazy dogs are always running around and barking at nothing. I have day dreams of filling the yard with goats and chickens and planting the best garden! But it is hard to get online out here, they only have satellite internet which is about as quick as dial-up. But I have been working out and taking pictures... just not posting about them.

Which brings me to the reason for this post:

Because we have not been at home (house sitting... and our gas was turned off and i'm waiting for huz to get up all the $$$ to get it back on) I have put aside my cloth diapers, temporarily... The man child has had one hell of a rash and Bean is still needing a night time diaper, so I bought 4 packs of the 7th generation paper diapers and some wipes. It was 10% day at harvest so i stocked up. This is actually a great thing for my cloth diaper adventure because it is giving me a chance to wash and strip all my diapers and look at them all in one place, sort out the ones that we can still use and demote to rags the ones that are torn or too small... Plus my beautiful land lady pays the water and since the Man Child started eating real food, the diaper routine has needed more and more water. I still do my best to dump the poop into the the toilet because a) the fecal matter that goes into the trash dump via disposable diapers ends up in our water systems... so essentially we drink each other's babies' shit and b) putting human fecal waste into the municipal trash system is illegal. But few people care or know. We successfully cloth diapered our son for a year and a half. I'm not done with my cloth, but it is time to reevaluate the system to make it work for a big kid instead of a baby. Cloth diapering the new born was the easy part...

Focused

I've been so bent on rebuilding my home into a place I want to be. A place that is safe and welcoming for my kids and their friends, because Little A actually has friends who want to come over and play. Over the last week or so, I've been taking things out of the cupboards and cabinets, sorting them into 'garage sale' or 'trash/recycle' or keep. I even cleaned out and consolidated the junk drawers (yes, 2 junk drawers) into one  Awesomely Useful Stuff Drawer. I want to improve the quality of our lives and it has taken me a while to see that I don't to be rolling in dough to make that happen. I just need to focus.

I've been making a ton of "List of 100" lists. The theory is that the first 30 are the "Duh" ideas that float around and get in the way of all your subconscious ideas, the next 40 are the less obvious ideas- this is where your brain really starts digging, getting things out to make way for the final 30, the place of idea gold. I still haven't made a list longer than I think 54 ideas but the cool thing is it helps me see what really needs to be done. Just getting the most Duh ideas out of head onto paper makes like a window in my thoughts and I can see thru to the gold. Like cleaning out my junk drawer. And putting the art supplies into the new empty space. and moving the kitchen toys to where the art supplies were. and so on. It feels really good to purge the house, de clutter the space. I've even managed to maintain both the kitchen and the bedroom in a somewhat tidy space for a few days. Trust me people this huge. Having a mostly tidy house is great for the kids to play, I don't have to worry too much about Little B putting things in his mouth and the choking to death while I'm in another room. That would suck. Oh! but you wanna know started all this in the first place?

I found Little B on the dining table. Lets say that again- I found Little B on the dining table. I came back into the kitchen and some how my 10 month old son (he was 10 mos then, now he's 11 mos) had climbed up onto a chair onto the table. He has also tried to get up on the counter because the tapatio must look mighty delicious. or something.

Any way, we are in a great emotional space (although i did just snap at Little A, i just want to finish this darn post) for the first time in months, my pergo hormones are returning to a less sad level and I am spending more time away from the screen and with my kids instead. So now, I'm done. I'm going to go apologize to my little loves for not focusing on them then I'm gonna make some pancakes and enjoy time with my babies.

Around the Garden

This is supposed to be a thursday thing and here it is almost saturday. Oh well.

Farmama does a great ...blog roll?... weekly ritual...? thing every thursday called Around The Farm (or Garden) in which she encourages readers to post weekly pics of their kitchens. kidding. Any way... the kids and I do not yet have our own garden to post pictures of but we have my mom's and I have a new phone that takes great pictures. I have collected a few shots from our little patch of earth to share today... Enjoy.

June rain on the poppies. 

Herb going to seed. I say "herb" because I am awesome and have no idea. I know my mom cooks with it and it is delicious and I know we want it to go to seed so we can grow it again. because it tastes amazing.

Those two little buds might one day be kiwis... But you know, the reproductive system of  kiwis can be very tricky... we came close last year. We almost had really yummy eating grapes too!

The Orchard

My dad totally rocks the welding hot sauce and made my mom this vulture to keep out... what? like road kill or something? Who knows, it doesn't matter, this thing is hot shit. Now that my dad is retired maybe he'll become an artist againg (my theory is that he had to quit art to take over his dad's industrial design buisness. now that he is no longer working for the man (himself) and focuses on art maybe he'll leave me and my family alone about the whole starving artist thing.)

Speaking of starving artist, stay tuned for my first batch of yarn to pop up on etsy!

Wow! They Are Both Still Asleep...

How long will that last?
I adore being a mom(my), and even though there are days when I want to go all public-school-system and lock one or both in a padded closet, being the mother of these 2 amazing little ones has been a wonderful ride. The K Bean has taken to inserting "I love you" into just about every conversation-

"Babe, do you have to use the potty?"
"No, I'm busy. I have to get my kids out of the road!"
(She has 3 kids named Molly, Garry and Sally)
"Ok... Do you have to use the potty?"
"YESSSS! You stay here and watch my kids."
"OK"
"MOOMMMMYYYY! I need you!"
"Ok, here I come, what do you need me for?"
"Turn the light on. I love you."
"I love you too. K the light is on."
"When Daddy is a big girl, he's gonna be a ballerina."
"...?"
"All done!"

AND...

"Please don't lay on the baby, I'm pretty sure he doesn't like that."
"K. I love you!"

AND one more...

"Hey wait! Don't sit on the dog, you might hurt her!"
"Yeah, Isis is too fit to ride. She is too big. Baby could ride her!"
"Well, I think that maybe you are too big and Isis can't hold you up?"
(Not even going to address the fact that she ran in and was trying to drag Man Child off the bed to help him ride the dog. I did stop her though. He thought the whole thing was pretty darn funny.)
"Ok. I love Isis."

When the girl first met her guard dog

About a year ago.

"Me too, she is a good dog."

A Success Story and a Peaceful Bedtime.

I just got to put both babies to bed in my bed with me in the middle. Can I just say how amazing it feels to nurse one while the other has her arm around my neck whispering, "I love you Mommy. And I love the Man Child, and Daddy, and Isis..." this truly is my reason for living.


It had been hard for me to really mother these 2 little beings for a while. My co-parent, their father, my lover had been gone on business for waaay to long this time and the 3 of us were wearing thin. I was starting to get mad and easily frustrated with Bean having to leave the Man Child to cry while I sorted her out. But yesterday and now today have been true attachment parenting successes! Even with Bean having a bit of a stuffy nose and a low temperature, she has been fun and mostly agreeable. Not perfect... lol... she is 2 after all. Bed times like this reaffirm my belief that I can be a gentle peaceful mom and that my kids will not grow up to be spoiled rotten, they will be confident knowing they are loved and free to express themselves without fear of judgment or ridicule.

Spiritual Mantras for Cleaning House

Earth my body
Water my blood
Air my breath
fire my spirit.

I got clean sheets on my bed, laundry folded, dishes done and a baby washed! Sweet! Before I even discovered the mantra for house work, Melinda was helping me use it birthing babies. I thought, hey it worked then, maybe it'll work now. It did.

Tapatio is hotter when left on the counter... and consumed in large amounts at 10pm...

Earlier in the day, no chanting... but I still got some chunky stuff done- I showered Bean, with Soap this time instead of getting her wet and calling it good, AND I cut her hair. Yeah I did! She looks so cute and neat instead of some crazy scraggle kid I pulled off the street. She even ate 2 really good-ish meals today. I know most kids eat 3 or more but she fell asleep at 6:45! Crazy Kid. Maybe that helped get all that stuff done...? Naw it was the chanting.

Bean says Toy Story 3 is too scary for her so we watched Bugs Life instead. Also a great movie, but I sooo love TS3! I got most of the head of another frog done, but I was nursing, then holding a sleeping baby so it didn't go as fast as it could have. Now I will work on it for a little while while watching Hulu and then go back to bed with my spit-up free clean smelling little baby. yay.

The Man Child's new favorite night time song (another chant courtesy of Melinda) helped him doze off quite a bit faster tonight and kept him entertained as I washed dishes next to his bath tub. yeah, multi-tasking.

We all come from the Goddess
And to her we shall return.
Like a drop of water
Flowing to the Ocean...

The fact is, chanting these and putting love and truth into the words gives me the strength I need to finish my task. Just like when I birthed my Man Child, hearing these words... or maybe I thought them waaayyyy hard in my head, gives me strength to put one foot in front of the other. Women have been raising beautiful, honest children in worse situations than ours and we will be fine as long as I don't give up.

Thank you
Blessed be

The Finished Frog and Pics of Kaya in the Grapes

Ok so here are the pics of the Frog Binky Strap in all it's glory!

The Frog in use...

The cute little butterfly button on the end was my idea!

 I worked really hard on that stupid frog. The one shown here is Frog Number Four. I didn't even bother posting pics of frog 3, although he was blue... Any way. Once I got the bobbles down, the rest was a snap! OK lie, but it wasn't as hard as it could have been. There are leaves under the frog's but that were hard to do, I did about 7 of those even though I really only needed 3. I had to find the best 3! I'm sorry, I don't know how Susan B. Anderson (if I knew how to create links I'd link her name here to her page [she's rad]) makes pointy knitted leaves, but mine didn't want to point, ever. So I didn't force it. stoopid yarn. I also knitted 4 butterfly leaves, more stoopid yarn. Yay frog!!!

Ok, so just so you know, I'm working on an adorable little hat for the Earth Angel Baby, Melody Sophia. I really hope it can keep her perfect little head warm. And my other work in progress project that I just started is the MoHat for Kaya. Tricky Tricky Tricky... I'll post pics and a story about the damn hat later.... ~bane of my knitting life~

Now onto pictures of Kaya in the grapes. This grape vine was a clipping from my Great Grandparents' home in San Jose. The structure Kaya is playing on is a swing set my dad built for Brian and I when we were kids... like 20 years ago. Yeah hand made stuff that survives a big move and living out doors for 20 years. My dad is hella boss at building things. The kids and I spent our day in my mom's garden, Kaya played and dug in the dirt and Zen sat in his swing in the sun and watched birds and bugs and the trees dancing or got carried around to look at things while I sat in the sun and knit Melody's Hat. or carried Zen around to show him things. This hat will have sun and love and hope and energy knit into it.

I too climbed up that ladder as a small child. Only
when I did it there wasn't a hella big grape vine
all over it...

      

Zen in his swing...