Happy Birthday, ManChild

My son just turned 2. He officially ended his second trip around this sun. He came out of me and is still nourished at my breast. His expressiveness and happiness impress me every day. He loves his big sister and wants to be everywhere she is and she does amazing with him for the most part. This little boy, my ManChild, is one of the best things about waking up every morning. Actually, I think the silence before he wakes up is the best, sshhhhhh.... I want to right about the things that have been important to me in the past, I even just listed them out, but even that felt like too much. But I feel this year, I am just so happy he is mine, well ours. I love him. I love him and his father and his sister and our unit. We are so blessed.

I love you, my little ManChild. Happy Birthday.

He's absorbing the knowledge. Education thru osmosis. Resting under to books works the same way the Fibonacci Baby Blanket will make that baby good at math. 

I know he looks asleep, but he actually told me that Lighting McQueen needs boobies. And also that McQueen likes boobies.  

And apparently, Tow Mater really likes boobies too. 

Best conversation all week when Huz came home from a shoot,

ManChild, "Hi Daddy!!!! Hiii!!!!!"

Huz, "Hey kiddo, I missed you, what did you today?"

MC, in the most excited 2 year old voice you ever heard, "Got BOOBIES!!! Daddy, GOT BOOBIES and switched SIDES!!!!!!!"

Huz, not as excited but still a lot excited but not enough, "You got Boobies?" 

MC, kind of disappointed in Daddy for not being properly stoked but still personally thrilled, "Yeah, Daddy, Boobies, switch sides. and Mater and Queen boobies, too."

My boobies are great fuel it seems. 2 years, going strong.

G*R*A*T*I*T*U*D*E S*U*N*D*A*Y

I'm joining Taryn over at WoolyMossRoots for what might be my new favorite blog roll...

G*R*A*T*I*T*U*D*E  S*U*N*D*A*Y

{Sunday's heartfelt tradition. A time to slow down, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes.} 

This week I am grateful for....

* Honest communication in my relationship. 

* Adventurous and self motivated offspring... some of the time. Both kids right now are learning new skills without too much of leading from Huz or I. The ManChild has learned to tell when he feels pee coming and has started to approach us in advance saying, "peepee, poddy! peepee poddY!" He especially loves it when Huz is the one to help him. And of corse, KaBean and her letters... She doesn't really like to practice when I sit down with her, but when she feels like it, I see her writing real letters.

* Honestly, I think everything week boils down to this: No matter how things look in the moment, I would rather be here with my Man than anywhere else. The thing about relationships is that sometimes they are not easy. But fighting out loud, actively working thru whatever problems you have, even if it you shout and say angry things, even if the kids are there, is the only way to fix the problem. We fight, but then we work it out. We come to decision, we forgive each other and hug, and hug the kids. The best thing about fighting is showing the kids that love will find a way (every 'love will find a way' song is running thru my head right now. i feel really cheesy).  Huz is strong and supportive and slightly off his rocker, and I wouldn't change him for the world. Even the part of him that thinks water just grown on trees...

Anyway, enough sap

*Homemade Vegan Chocolate Cupcakes. With walnuts chopped very fine, so the small children can't tell they're there. teeheeheee...

* The box of cloth diapers we brought with us from home. We ran out of devil diapers destroyers of the earth Pampers a few days ago and it's been so hot, we haven't been to the store. But lo! I had all our cloth and some cloth diaper soap tucked in the closet in my fiber room. I feel so blessed that the ManChild is potty training because he hasn't really been wanting diapers and he hasn't really been peeing on the floor.

And last and most exciting....

*** It's working! My F#$king Shawl looks fucking incredible. The stitches are showing up, the count is right, I even love the colors and gauge still. It's gonna be amazing.***

Look carefully at this picture in case I anger the Knitting Goddess with my excitement. This might be the last picture of the F@#king Shawl we see...

Now head on ever to Taryn and read her beautiful list of gratitudes. They'll make you feel sort of happy...

Wasted

2011 was a wasteful year for our family... Water, money, electricity, time... yarn. Food was a big one for us. My family wastes a lot of food. I chalk that up to my lack of any type of cookish skills. And the fact that I have no inner portion control, I would either make too much or not enough. We also eat too many packaged foods, but that is for another post. I am a firm non-believer in "New Years" resolution, but this year, I felt the shift toward a more conscious lifestyle for at least a few months. Starting in early November, I have had grandiose notions of cooking more, saving more, wasting less, working out, starting a container garden, walking the dog, meditating, playing outdoors with the kids more, reading to them more, yelling less... etc. At Solstice, I could feel the will to do these things growing, and a few days later 2012 started. And so, I have started. Started working out every day. Started taking a pic and posting it every day for 30 days. woot. I am going to live this year on purpose. This year is our year. Everything is changing. Everything is being reevaluated. I am so excited to be alive.

18 Year Old Love

I recently went and saw the new Twilight Movie 4A with my dear friend, Pippi. It was fine, I guess. I'm honestly not a big fan of the movies, up until I saw the new one I think I had only ever seen the very first one. I will admit to reading the books. I'm not really a fan of those either, but at least they were books so I got to make up my own images in my head. I could go on and on about the lameness of the movie but the point is this: I am so glad I did not marry the man I was in love with at 18. Not because I didn't love him, or because we would have turned out horribly and destined to fail and all that but because I never would have found this One. This man. This silly, frustrating, sleeping-while-the-kids-do-god-knows-what man.
It is hard knowing that I love him no matter what. It is hard knowing that this man actually means so much to me that I refuse to put financial comforts before Us. Much to the frustration of my mother. It means that there are no ultimatums. No "If you don't make tons and tons of money I'll take the kids and move in with my parents!" Because a) if the 3 of us plus Isis tried to live there again it would suck like nothing else and b) I don't want to separate from him over money. I can't say "Since your'e not making the money I'll go get a job and put the kids in day care." Any job I would get (without a great deal of luck) would not pay me as much as hourly daycare for 2 kids. So, I'd have to go back on food stamps. Where now we are barley scraping by and we take no assistance from the government, if I were to go back to work, we would have to go back on government assistance. And also, my baby boy is still nursing!

That's right, the Little Baby Man Child has been nursing for 16 months! That is 2 months longer that with Little A... Oh! it's almost her birthday! Little A's Fourth Birthday. I think we will be having another Butterfly Party. Last year's was a Pink and Golden Tea Party and I guess this year's is going to be a Butterfly Princess Party. I'm really excited and will soon be trolling the internet and Pintrest for good Little Girl Birthday Ideas.

That's all the word vomit for now. I missed you. I feel like it has been forever. I still believe in the revolution. I love the world.


also, i miss melinda. but she'll be home soon!

i feel almost as though i am letting occupy wall street become more important then my family. but i also feel like if i put it aside, others will also start putting it aside, and the peaceful revolution will fizzle out, like every other movement. i don't want that to happen. this is amazing and we can all do something to be involved in changing the worl. take your money out of the big banks. buy your food from local growers. speak to them with money and they will hear us. this is for my children's future. i really honestly believe that. but does that make it more important than them? i don't think so. but how do i balance it?

Focused

I've been so bent on rebuilding my home into a place I want to be. A place that is safe and welcoming for my kids and their friends, because Little A actually has friends who want to come over and play. Over the last week or so, I've been taking things out of the cupboards and cabinets, sorting them into 'garage sale' or 'trash/recycle' or keep. I even cleaned out and consolidated the junk drawers (yes, 2 junk drawers) into one  Awesomely Useful Stuff Drawer. I want to improve the quality of our lives and it has taken me a while to see that I don't to be rolling in dough to make that happen. I just need to focus.

I've been making a ton of "List of 100" lists. The theory is that the first 30 are the "Duh" ideas that float around and get in the way of all your subconscious ideas, the next 40 are the less obvious ideas- this is where your brain really starts digging, getting things out to make way for the final 30, the place of idea gold. I still haven't made a list longer than I think 54 ideas but the cool thing is it helps me see what really needs to be done. Just getting the most Duh ideas out of head onto paper makes like a window in my thoughts and I can see thru to the gold. Like cleaning out my junk drawer. And putting the art supplies into the new empty space. and moving the kitchen toys to where the art supplies were. and so on. It feels really good to purge the house, de clutter the space. I've even managed to maintain both the kitchen and the bedroom in a somewhat tidy space for a few days. Trust me people this huge. Having a mostly tidy house is great for the kids to play, I don't have to worry too much about Little B putting things in his mouth and the choking to death while I'm in another room. That would suck. Oh! but you wanna know started all this in the first place?

I found Little B on the dining table. Lets say that again- I found Little B on the dining table. I came back into the kitchen and some how my 10 month old son (he was 10 mos then, now he's 11 mos) had climbed up onto a chair onto the table. He has also tried to get up on the counter because the tapatio must look mighty delicious. or something.

Any way, we are in a great emotional space (although i did just snap at Little A, i just want to finish this darn post) for the first time in months, my pergo hormones are returning to a less sad level and I am spending more time away from the screen and with my kids instead. So now, I'm done. I'm going to go apologize to my little loves for not focusing on them then I'm gonna make some pancakes and enjoy time with my babies.

I'm Sure I've Said This Before...

...but I don't feel like looking back...

It is amazing what I can hear when I listen.
My poor girl was just trying to tell me something and instead of listening, I blew up. If I had just slowed my roll, you know? taken the time to cool off- I would have heard her. So because I will not let that moment go, we have had a great weekend and learned a few things on the way.

She just wants Me. She wants me to put the baby down and turn off the computer and play. Stop telling her what to do and do it with her. Turns out that if we do things together... at the same time... we get things done a lot faster! For instance, getting dressed. We put our socks on at the same time, and pants, and shirts and so on. If I sit on the floor and toss things into the toy box with her, it is more fun and a lot less shouting! AND it is all about bed time with her. When I just put her in bed and lay down with the Man Child she wakes up all pissy and mad at the world. But, since Wade-O is still gone, I have moved her into the side car crib to sleep next to me. She usually watches a short little movie on Netflix while I nurse Man Child to sleep. When he is finally asleep we brush our teeth together and sit in the living room for 1 or 2 stories before moving to the bed for a few more. When KaBean was new to this world I read tot her all the time. No matter what was going on I always had a book to read to her from. But as she got bigger and then the new baby came, the reading slowed to a bare trickle. Now it is my mission to read to her all the time and never turn her down when she wants a story. So last night while we were laying in bed after we read 4 full length Dr. Suess books and she still wasn't sleepy, I started telling her made up stories. About Molly Monstah and her best friend, a princess with the magical ability to make plants grow. After about 3 or 4 or 5 of these, she finally fell asleep holding my hand... really though she some how got a hold of my whole arm and drooled on it.

I guess the thing is no matter what kind of mood or emotional state we may find ourselves our children at least deserve the effort of calming down. We can always vent and be angry after they go to bed.

And so now I listen. And 2 days and the start of a 3rd have come and gone quite nicely...

Our Love Is Different

Our love is different. It is different than it was the day we met. We both felt it but couldn't label it. It was new. It was right. It was a strong bond that was more friendship than lust. Then it became lust. and it was amazing. And we knew. For a few months, maybe even a year, we knew but said nothing. Then, one night while lying in the Van, we pledged our love to one another. And it was different. It was still new. It was even more right. We became partners. In life, in love. Then we decided to have kids. To bring life into our partnership. Maybe in a year or 2. When his career was bigger. But she came, right away, into our union with no warning. Even living on a bus making no money we knew she was right on time. 1+1=3. And our love grew and changed. It was different. Now our love was weary. It was worried and stressed out. But it was still ours. and it was still right. The lust left. completely. Our love became friendly. We could talk about everything, but not touch each other. it was my fault. I felt ugly and fat and gross. My body had just given birth and I didn't know how to embrace that, so I felt untouchable. Our love endured. He started traveling. a lot. Our love changed. It was different. It was stretched thin and fragile. I almost broke it. But it stayed. And we mended it. and made it stronger. We were best friends. Ever trusting in one another's ability to return. Then we thought, maybe Baby #2. in a year or 2. But he came. adding his little soul to our unit. Embracing us as we welcomed him into our living room. He saw me give birth, all by myself. He saw my power and helped me embrace it. Our love changed. It became stronger. Our friendship and trust became so great it exploded back into new love and the lust returned. And so it is different. And then he had to go. He had to work to put bread and bacon sandwiches on the table. He had to go away to get the money we (sadly) need to live in this world. But after years of not wanting to be touched my body misses his and I wish it was he who shared this bed rather than the nursling beside me.
Our love is different. Every time I turn around, it changes. Our relationship will continue to grow and morph in way I can't imagine. The love we share is not bound by societal norms. It is not forced to conform to your idea of marriage. We will not let the government dictate how we will live together and raise our children. We will trust in each other to always be honest and genuine in our dealings with one another. even if it hurts. There will be twists and turns. There will be repairs, and mending. and explosions. The only thing that is certain is that I would never trade these years of love that we have shared for anything.

I love you.

My Hubby on Stage with dead prez in Paris

Yay! So my man is doing a ton of video work for the hip hop group dead prez. They were in France for just a day and performed at a huge festival in front of this really cool church. They got to use the inside as the backstage. So cool. When the kids are bigger we'll get to go along too and then these posts will be about traveling with vegan kids thru out the world!

Best Birthday Ever!

Best 'insert holiday here' Ever! is an old family tradition. Every year at every holiday somebody will declare that this is the best one ever. My dad usually does Christmas but the rest of us will faithfully chime in, laughing and agreeing and enjoying being with family. But this year, I had a truly amazing birthday. Generally, I don't really enjoy this annual celebration of my entrance into this would. Of coarse I love getting gifts, but the whole party thing and the cakes and the reminder that you are getting old(er) sort of just depress me. They always have, even as a young girl. It can't help that having a birthday the day before the 4th of July means most of your friends will be out of town either. 

I think there have been a few that were wonderful and this year slips into that list, not as awesome as my 20th in France with my ballet company, or my 18th in England with total strangers who went out of their way to make me feel loved and celebrated but up there none-the-less. My 2 year old daughter is a priceless miracle who told me she loved me allll day long. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my son and everything is going swimmingly. My husband and I are speaking to each other again and he's going to come home for 10 days tomorrow, and he sent me flowers! My mom and dad got me a gift certificate for an hour long massage at an amazing local spa. AND I got to take a 4 hour birthday nap! I don't really know what makes a birthday great, maybe this years was good because it was so mellow. There was no expectation of an embarrassing party. No little girl sad because her friends didn't call (facebook is amazing, everybody emailed or left a comment). Maybe it was the nap. I don't know what it was but today, the day after, when I usually don't want to be alive felt great. And I had my little love at my side all day.

Fight.

Today I am fighting with my man, long distance. We are about to have our second child together and I have only seen him a total of maybe 2 months thru out this whole pregnancy! A TOTAL of 2 months. I think the longest stretch of time he's been home has bee 3 weeks, every other time we see him it is for a few days, a week at most. I realize he can't make any money or continue his career in the Bragg, I knew this when we chose to move here. But he doesn't seem to be making any progress. Now I'm pissed because instead of trying to complete the credit info for a rental application he went out and did a video for free for one of his homies in LA. WTF mate?!?! Doing this stuff for free for no name artists will get you and your career nowhere and meanwhile your family is up here eating thru the savings and still living in this teeny tiny little duplex! Get your self together and either come home or do what you said you were gonna do! grr.......

here is a video that he made that I really like