Word Vomit and Gratitude Sunday

I'm loving watching these Littles of mine grow. This week has been hard for us. Almost all their toys and games have been boxed up, furniture is being moved, and we're out of catsup because I refuse to buy anymore food we won't use up before we leave. i'm mean like that i guess. but really, what am i supposed to do with a twice used bottle of catsup? And with all this unpleasant change has come outbursts and temper tantrums and disagreements... and about half of that is me. in my defense, i was also sick AND it was my Shark Week. But despite all this, I see my kids and their perfect moments... the ones that happen all day long but maybe I'm not paying enough attention and I miss it. Just now, I finished nursing the ManChild and gently got up to pee, "I'll be right back," I said, "I'm just going potty. Sissy will hold your hand." I wasn't gone but maybe a moment and when I came back, they were still holding hands, fast asleep. 


I know I've been neglecting this silly little blog. Which is super lame of me, I have brilliant ideas to share all day long. But to be honest, blogging and moving sucks. I feel like I complain about it all the time and no one likes a whiney blogger. but SHIT! moving totally blows. didn't i just pack this godam crap? I've been so caught up in not-organizing that there are no knitting pictures... heck, there's been literally and absolutely zero knitting. And I know at least some of you dear readers come for the yarn. don't pretend you don't. There also haven't been any kid pictures either really. Well, my camera hates me. It says asshole things like "no, i won't focus on that awesome texture," and "sorry, sweetheart, but we all know your kids/knitting/dog/those mountains are cuter blurry/dark/bright/not in the shot." ok, maybe the last one is my fault. And since getting hit with the world's hugest over use fee on my data plan fuck you att, I've been pretty anal about my phone usage too. So yay! blog with no pics whoohoo!!!! And I don't know why else anyone would read this silly totally awesome blog. Except maybe for the diapers. I promise I have an awesome cloth diapering a toddler/potty training post coming up... if I ever actually sit down to write it. Oh and we've been reading awesome things, so I have a post in my head for both Ginny's Yarn Along and Unschool Monday... But I have to actually write those too... shit.

But today, what I do have, is Gratitude Sunday with Taryn. Her posts are always so magikal, I wish everyone would go over and read some of them. Also, she and her husband, Jeff, make the most wondrous buttons and things out of reclaimed wood and wood the find on their property, as well as salves and ointments, that they sell at their Etsy shop. 

Oh well. I'm so grateful for everyone who reads this blog and all my ridiculous word vomit. It would be cool to hear from some readers, if any care to comment, what types of things you'd like to hear more of... give me some ideas. 

I'm so grateful that my family is letting the kids and I stay with them for a few months while Huz gets some more things finished.

I'm soooo grateful to Snoop Lion for hosting my man's first EP. I'm grateful that Snoop let Huz use his studio, I'm grateful to DaeOne for making the beats all original, right there during the sesh. 

And most of all, I'm so grateful to my man. I'm thankful that I get to see his face on and off thru out the months. I'm thankful for 6 years and 2 beautiful babies. he still thinks i'm hot, even when i don't. I'm thankful that his job is structured to give us time apart to miss each other, lol. 

thank you air, thank you blood, thank you fire and water and body. today was an awesome day.

My Family Bed

This morning I half woke up to the little, sleepy request for boobies. The ManChild was gently tugging on me, getting me ready for our day. He nursed, I fell back asleep. When I woke up... um, later?... my big family bed felt empty and I was lonely. I know I had just been squished between my beloved Huz and the rascally ManChild. But now they were gone. I looked over my shoulder and could see KaBean's feet pointed at me from the other end of our bed, but no Huz, no ManChild. "oh sheep shit, he's in the wool room touching things." thought my sleepy brain, so I leapt out of bed and rushed to my wool room to find it empty. Then I went to Huz's office, where I found him getting in some early morning work. "He's gone." I told my man. We both started the search upstairs and upon determining that he wasn't in the top half of the house we went downstairs. There we found him, curled up and asleep in the brown chair. Out like a little light. Looking so peaceful there in his little pile of self... Huz carried him back upstairs and placed him by his sleeping sister and they both sort of reached for each other and kept sleeping.

I love sleeping with my family. I love being able to rub KaBean's back when she has a nightmare or a cough. I love being able to nurse the ManChild without leaving my bed or even fully waking up. The kids love that Poppa is right there to snuggle with and that I am right here to hold hands with while we sing bedtime songs. Someday Huz and I will have our bed back and we can stretch out and... um... you know, take naps and shit, but that wont be for a while yet, and I'm reveling in the closeness of our family while we have it so available.

Over the Hills and Thru the Woods...

Or

G r a t i t u d e  *  S u n d a y

{Sunday's heartfelt tradition. A time to slow down, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes.} 

Because nature and beauty are always things to be grateful for...

ps- click the link to go to Taryn's page and see her list, it is always so beautiful and inspiring.
pps- get really really inspired and write or own list, then link it... or not. just feeling grateful is worth it.

This is what we get to live in and see every day! All these pictures were taken walking between my parents house and the cabin on our neighbors property, where we are staying till it is time to move all the way to Las Vegas. I love this cabin and I LOVE these woods. I'm going to miss this place so very much when we go.

Abundant Trilliums. For Taryn...

Old Growth Redwood Log... and Boy.

These wild flowers smell like honey.

Up the hill to my Parents House. 

When we were kids growing up in this forest, that stand that Bean is climbing in was one of our
lesser forts.  But now it is the perfect size for my Littles.

Calypso Orchid. There is a whole patch of these growing right next to the trail/driveway. I love walking past
 them and seeing all this color. The forest flowers this year are amazing!

Another HUGE old growth stump near the cabin. There are so many great places for the kids to play!

Hey look! It's the Man-Child, pants-less in the forest. As a man child should be. lol.

That colorful blur there is KaBean falling off the same log that Kevin Foster fell of when we made a Robin Hood movie in our church youth group. The only thing that would have made this moment match that moment perfectly would be the Littlest Beeman somewhere in the background saying "that's so re-mantic..."

Living in this cabin, in my woods, is the best way to finish off our time on the coast. Seeing my kids play where my brothers and I played is so special and amazing. I am so blessed. I am so Blessed.

posted from Bloggeroid

Absence...

I am house sitting for my parents again. woot! It's wonderful to be here with my kids... we get to play in the forest all day, go in the hot tub when we feel overwhelmed, and watch movies on a real tv instead of my lap top. The three crazy dogs are always running around and barking at nothing. I have day dreams of filling the yard with goats and chickens and planting the best garden! But it is hard to get online out here, they only have satellite internet which is about as quick as dial-up. But I have been working out and taking pictures... just not posting about them.

Which brings me to the reason for this post:

Because we have not been at home (house sitting... and our gas was turned off and i'm waiting for huz to get up all the $$$ to get it back on) I have put aside my cloth diapers, temporarily... The man child has had one hell of a rash and Bean is still needing a night time diaper, so I bought 4 packs of the 7th generation paper diapers and some wipes. It was 10% day at harvest so i stocked up. This is actually a great thing for my cloth diaper adventure because it is giving me a chance to wash and strip all my diapers and look at them all in one place, sort out the ones that we can still use and demote to rags the ones that are torn or too small... Plus my beautiful land lady pays the water and since the Man Child started eating real food, the diaper routine has needed more and more water. I still do my best to dump the poop into the the toilet because a) the fecal matter that goes into the trash dump via disposable diapers ends up in our water systems... so essentially we drink each other's babies' shit and b) putting human fecal waste into the municipal trash system is illegal. But few people care or know. We successfully cloth diapered our son for a year and a half. I'm not done with my cloth, but it is time to reevaluate the system to make it work for a big kid instead of a baby. Cloth diapering the new born was the easy part...

Wasted

2011 was a wasteful year for our family... Water, money, electricity, time... yarn. Food was a big one for us. My family wastes a lot of food. I chalk that up to my lack of any type of cookish skills. And the fact that I have no inner portion control, I would either make too much or not enough. We also eat too many packaged foods, but that is for another post. I am a firm non-believer in "New Years" resolution, but this year, I felt the shift toward a more conscious lifestyle for at least a few months. Starting in early November, I have had grandiose notions of cooking more, saving more, wasting less, working out, starting a container garden, walking the dog, meditating, playing outdoors with the kids more, reading to them more, yelling less... etc. At Solstice, I could feel the will to do these things growing, and a few days later 2012 started. And so, I have started. Started working out every day. Started taking a pic and posting it every day for 30 days. woot. I am going to live this year on purpose. This year is our year. Everything is changing. Everything is being reevaluated. I am so excited to be alive.

Misunderstood...

A while ago I had the revelation that parenting was like taking care of someone in a natural disater. You don't want FEMA showing up with guns, barking orders, making the situation worse... you want someone to come in and speak with calm authority and a gentle plan. But now that my Girl is going to be 4 I find that not everything that upsets her is because of some major crisis or disaster. Sometimes it is the result of me not choosing my words properly... The other day, she was sorting some awesome magnet toys by color when we had to get in the car to go to grandma's. She got her magnets on their board and climbed into her car seat. Here is a close re-telling of how the conversation went:

"ok, please put your magnets down on the seat so I can buckle you in."
"ok, not yet, i'm finishing."
"sweetheart, you can finish later"
"noooo nowwwww!!!!!" and so the tantrum and the struggle to get buckled began. About half way thru trying to strong arm her into her arm straps, it hit me. She thought that when I said later, I meant, well, later. So I stopped what I was doing to her, she yelled and was angry for a bit and then I began again.
"Sweetheart, do you think I will not let you have your crispy-cookies (that was the game with the magnets, i guess) back?"
"mmmmm"
"Well, what I meant to say was that as soon as you are buckled you can have your magnets back."
"mmm"
I went on to explain to her, after she was buckled with her magnets back safely in her lap, that sometimes mommy might say something that is good but it might not come out sounding like that. I told her that if she didn't like the sound of what I'm saying to ask me what the plan is. She seamed satisfied with that and then let it go. When we got back into the car to go home, she put her magnets on the seat next to her and said "I can have them back later when I'm buckled, right mommy?"
This morning, she asked me for a morning cartoon and I said no, not right now, maybe after lunch. She looked at me and said "What's the plan?" so I explained the simple version of my very busy day and came to the part where she could watch a movie after lunch. Well, she thru her fit anyway, and I sat with her and held her hand while she was upset. When the crying ended, she seemed to have forgotten about the movie and hasn't asked me since.

It is hard to be new to this world. She has such a greater understanding of the universe than anyone knows, but the language she possess isn't always enough for even the simplest communications. I try to take it one thing at a time, but it is so easy to get frustrated and bossy. I just keep telling her I love her no matter what and that even if we are sad today, tomorrow will be better.

18 Year Old Love

I recently went and saw the new Twilight Movie 4A with my dear friend, Pippi. It was fine, I guess. I'm honestly not a big fan of the movies, up until I saw the new one I think I had only ever seen the very first one. I will admit to reading the books. I'm not really a fan of those either, but at least they were books so I got to make up my own images in my head. I could go on and on about the lameness of the movie but the point is this: I am so glad I did not marry the man I was in love with at 18. Not because I didn't love him, or because we would have turned out horribly and destined to fail and all that but because I never would have found this One. This man. This silly, frustrating, sleeping-while-the-kids-do-god-knows-what man.
It is hard knowing that I love him no matter what. It is hard knowing that this man actually means so much to me that I refuse to put financial comforts before Us. Much to the frustration of my mother. It means that there are no ultimatums. No "If you don't make tons and tons of money I'll take the kids and move in with my parents!" Because a) if the 3 of us plus Isis tried to live there again it would suck like nothing else and b) I don't want to separate from him over money. I can't say "Since your'e not making the money I'll go get a job and put the kids in day care." Any job I would get (without a great deal of luck) would not pay me as much as hourly daycare for 2 kids. So, I'd have to go back on food stamps. Where now we are barley scraping by and we take no assistance from the government, if I were to go back to work, we would have to go back on government assistance. And also, my baby boy is still nursing!

That's right, the Little Baby Man Child has been nursing for 16 months! That is 2 months longer that with Little A... Oh! it's almost her birthday! Little A's Fourth Birthday. I think we will be having another Butterfly Party. Last year's was a Pink and Golden Tea Party and I guess this year's is going to be a Butterfly Princess Party. I'm really excited and will soon be trolling the internet and Pintrest for good Little Girl Birthday Ideas.

That's all the word vomit for now. I missed you. I feel like it has been forever. I still believe in the revolution. I love the world.


also, i miss melinda. but she'll be home soon!

Focused

I've been so bent on rebuilding my home into a place I want to be. A place that is safe and welcoming for my kids and their friends, because Little A actually has friends who want to come over and play. Over the last week or so, I've been taking things out of the cupboards and cabinets, sorting them into 'garage sale' or 'trash/recycle' or keep. I even cleaned out and consolidated the junk drawers (yes, 2 junk drawers) into one  Awesomely Useful Stuff Drawer. I want to improve the quality of our lives and it has taken me a while to see that I don't to be rolling in dough to make that happen. I just need to focus.

I've been making a ton of "List of 100" lists. The theory is that the first 30 are the "Duh" ideas that float around and get in the way of all your subconscious ideas, the next 40 are the less obvious ideas- this is where your brain really starts digging, getting things out to make way for the final 30, the place of idea gold. I still haven't made a list longer than I think 54 ideas but the cool thing is it helps me see what really needs to be done. Just getting the most Duh ideas out of head onto paper makes like a window in my thoughts and I can see thru to the gold. Like cleaning out my junk drawer. And putting the art supplies into the new empty space. and moving the kitchen toys to where the art supplies were. and so on. It feels really good to purge the house, de clutter the space. I've even managed to maintain both the kitchen and the bedroom in a somewhat tidy space for a few days. Trust me people this huge. Having a mostly tidy house is great for the kids to play, I don't have to worry too much about Little B putting things in his mouth and the choking to death while I'm in another room. That would suck. Oh! but you wanna know started all this in the first place?

I found Little B on the dining table. Lets say that again- I found Little B on the dining table. I came back into the kitchen and some how my 10 month old son (he was 10 mos then, now he's 11 mos) had climbed up onto a chair onto the table. He has also tried to get up on the counter because the tapatio must look mighty delicious. or something.

Any way, we are in a great emotional space (although i did just snap at Little A, i just want to finish this darn post) for the first time in months, my pergo hormones are returning to a less sad level and I am spending more time away from the screen and with my kids instead. So now, I'm done. I'm going to go apologize to my little loves for not focusing on them then I'm gonna make some pancakes and enjoy time with my babies.

Our Love Is Different

Our love is different. It is different than it was the day we met. We both felt it but couldn't label it. It was new. It was right. It was a strong bond that was more friendship than lust. Then it became lust. and it was amazing. And we knew. For a few months, maybe even a year, we knew but said nothing. Then, one night while lying in the Van, we pledged our love to one another. And it was different. It was still new. It was even more right. We became partners. In life, in love. Then we decided to have kids. To bring life into our partnership. Maybe in a year or 2. When his career was bigger. But she came, right away, into our union with no warning. Even living on a bus making no money we knew she was right on time. 1+1=3. And our love grew and changed. It was different. Now our love was weary. It was worried and stressed out. But it was still ours. and it was still right. The lust left. completely. Our love became friendly. We could talk about everything, but not touch each other. it was my fault. I felt ugly and fat and gross. My body had just given birth and I didn't know how to embrace that, so I felt untouchable. Our love endured. He started traveling. a lot. Our love changed. It was different. It was stretched thin and fragile. I almost broke it. But it stayed. And we mended it. and made it stronger. We were best friends. Ever trusting in one another's ability to return. Then we thought, maybe Baby #2. in a year or 2. But he came. adding his little soul to our unit. Embracing us as we welcomed him into our living room. He saw me give birth, all by myself. He saw my power and helped me embrace it. Our love changed. It became stronger. Our friendship and trust became so great it exploded back into new love and the lust returned. And so it is different. And then he had to go. He had to work to put bread and bacon sandwiches on the table. He had to go away to get the money we (sadly) need to live in this world. But after years of not wanting to be touched my body misses his and I wish it was he who shared this bed rather than the nursling beside me.
Our love is different. Every time I turn around, it changes. Our relationship will continue to grow and morph in way I can't imagine. The love we share is not bound by societal norms. It is not forced to conform to your idea of marriage. We will not let the government dictate how we will live together and raise our children. We will trust in each other to always be honest and genuine in our dealings with one another. even if it hurts. There will be twists and turns. There will be repairs, and mending. and explosions. The only thing that is certain is that I would never trade these years of love that we have shared for anything.

I love you.