To Start the Day

~Today starts with no coffee I drank it wall yesterday. Even though I knew there was none left and I knew that I'd be a full dollar short after paying for shipping confirmation on the 2 pretties I just sent out in the mail. A skien of handspun for one of my favorite online peeps and ... erm- cough... a surprise for one of my favorite in real life people. 

~Today will see us at the "big playground" as soon as KaBean wakes up, gets dressed, and eats something. I think we found desert sage growing near our favorite playground, but I'm pretty sure it's part of the landscaping and may therefore be coated with pesticides. If it is not wild or if it looks like it is probably maintained with some sort of chemical cocktail I will leave it there and move on... If not, I will be gratefully clipping a branch and thanking the plant and earth and neighborhood for such a special gift. The bundle that Huz brought out with us on our move is almost gone. We burn it like crazy here, love sage. So it's time to get some more... speaking of which, i need to find my red string!

~Today finds Huz and the ManChild awake before 7am. I know I know... someone out there is probably like "that's nothing my fill-in-the-blank gets up at insane-ungodly-hour!!!" But still, this is my story and 7 am hurts my brain sometimes. Instead of chilling in bed nursing, the ManChild is currently racing his matchbox cars across the steamer trunk that came over the ocean with my great great grandmother's people from some no longer in existence European country. A very loud game for a momma who woke up before 7am to no coffee. 

playground here we come.

My Family Bed

This morning I half woke up to the little, sleepy request for boobies. The ManChild was gently tugging on me, getting me ready for our day. He nursed, I fell back asleep. When I woke up... um, later?... my big family bed felt empty and I was lonely. I know I had just been squished between my beloved Huz and the rascally ManChild. But now they were gone. I looked over my shoulder and could see KaBean's feet pointed at me from the other end of our bed, but no Huz, no ManChild. "oh sheep shit, he's in the wool room touching things." thought my sleepy brain, so I leapt out of bed and rushed to my wool room to find it empty. Then I went to Huz's office, where I found him getting in some early morning work. "He's gone." I told my man. We both started the search upstairs and upon determining that he wasn't in the top half of the house we went downstairs. There we found him, curled up and asleep in the brown chair. Out like a little light. Looking so peaceful there in his little pile of self... Huz carried him back upstairs and placed him by his sleeping sister and they both sort of reached for each other and kept sleeping.

I love sleeping with my family. I love being able to rub KaBean's back when she has a nightmare or a cough. I love being able to nurse the ManChild without leaving my bed or even fully waking up. The kids love that Poppa is right there to snuggle with and that I am right here to hold hands with while we sing bedtime songs. Someday Huz and I will have our bed back and we can stretch out and... um... you know, take naps and shit, but that wont be for a while yet, and I'm reveling in the closeness of our family while we have it so available.

Happy Birthday, ManChild

My son just turned 2. He officially ended his second trip around this sun. He came out of me and is still nourished at my breast. His expressiveness and happiness impress me every day. He loves his big sister and wants to be everywhere she is and she does amazing with him for the most part. This little boy, my ManChild, is one of the best things about waking up every morning. Actually, I think the silence before he wakes up is the best, sshhhhhh.... I want to right about the things that have been important to me in the past, I even just listed them out, but even that felt like too much. But I feel this year, I am just so happy he is mine, well ours. I love him. I love him and his father and his sister and our unit. We are so blessed.

I love you, my little ManChild. Happy Birthday.

He's absorbing the knowledge. Education thru osmosis. Resting under to books works the same way the Fibonacci Baby Blanket will make that baby good at math. 

I know he looks asleep, but he actually told me that Lighting McQueen needs boobies. And also that McQueen likes boobies.  

And apparently, Tow Mater really likes boobies too. 

Best conversation all week when Huz came home from a shoot,

ManChild, "Hi Daddy!!!! Hiii!!!!!"

Huz, "Hey kiddo, I missed you, what did you today?"

MC, in the most excited 2 year old voice you ever heard, "Got BOOBIES!!! Daddy, GOT BOOBIES and switched SIDES!!!!!!!"

Huz, not as excited but still a lot excited but not enough, "You got Boobies?" 

MC, kind of disappointed in Daddy for not being properly stoked but still personally thrilled, "Yeah, Daddy, Boobies, switch sides. and Mater and Queen boobies, too."

My boobies are great fuel it seems. 2 years, going strong.

Sloppy

This post is not about knitting or cute kids. Self Reflection Zone Ahead. You have been warned.


Everything about the way we do things is, feels, sloppy. Sloppy isn't quite the word I'd use... yes it is. And not just is in a "clean" kind of way, but in the way we lead our lives. That old quote "cluttered room, cluttered mind" has really been resonating with me for the last few days. I look around our McMansion and see the clutter. But we don't really own a lot of "stuff." No large pieces of furniture, huge toys, things on the wall... stuff... The few things we do have are strewn about the house like leaves. There is another quote floating around the peaceful parenting/ attachment parenting facebook pages that goes along the lines of "play with your kids now, while they're small... you can clean your house later." This is really amazing and touches me to the core and I love it. But I find myself wading thru junk all over my house. The kids and I try to keep up with it, but honestly, I'd rather be playing with my kids or knitting or, well, sleeping, than cleaning things. We don't own a ton of clothes, but we have tons of laundry, and it's everywhere. The kids really don't have an excessive amount of toys, but the stuff they do have ends up getting kicked aside to make room to walk... I feel like the only thing in the whole house that is even remotely tidy is was the Yarn Room. Until, that is, the kids and I went on our trip and Huz converted my space to the clean laundry pile room. It is better this way (not for me or my stash), in as much as now the clean and laundry really doesn't have the chance to mingle. I usually don't mind messes. It really doesn't bother me, but lately it has been too much. Almost like a reminder of all the non-consumerist and artistic ideals I have while living such a convenience, consumer based life. It doesn't help that I dislike/am not good at cooking. I like to bake stuff from time to time, but the whole "fresh ingredients" thing puts me over some sort of edge. When I look around the kitchen I see Starbucks cups and plastic bread bags and recycling and it over whelms me, the Stuff-ness of it all.


 And the diapers. I'm having diaper guilt. Since moving to the desert, we haven't used cloth. Well, a few times. But not enough. I'm torn here between the water used to wash the dipes and the impact of the sposies on the planet. But that's a whole different post. The point is, I think it's time for us to rework the way we live. Scratch that, it's time for me to change the way I live and help my kids make better choices. I think despite his best intentions, Huz is a lost cause.


But it goes even deeper than just the surface stuff. There is always crazy financial issues, in any family. There is education and the dog and work and the car and the ever-present guilt that maybe I'm doing wrong by my kids in every choice I make. But the way I handle these things is a defining trait in my life: I'm sloppy. In my mind, my car, my kids. Every thing from the way I eat to the way I spend money to the way I keep house. It all just comes out sloppy. Even my spinning is sloppy, but I haven't been practicing much *cough*at*all*cough*. My knitting is at least nice still, but then maybe not... we'll see, I've made such headway on the F@#king Shawl. radness.


sorry about the emo word vomit, thanks for listening.

Wasted

2011 was a wasteful year for our family... Water, money, electricity, time... yarn. Food was a big one for us. My family wastes a lot of food. I chalk that up to my lack of any type of cookish skills. And the fact that I have no inner portion control, I would either make too much or not enough. We also eat too many packaged foods, but that is for another post. I am a firm non-believer in "New Years" resolution, but this year, I felt the shift toward a more conscious lifestyle for at least a few months. Starting in early November, I have had grandiose notions of cooking more, saving more, wasting less, working out, starting a container garden, walking the dog, meditating, playing outdoors with the kids more, reading to them more, yelling less... etc. At Solstice, I could feel the will to do these things growing, and a few days later 2012 started. And so, I have started. Started working out every day. Started taking a pic and posting it every day for 30 days. woot. I am going to live this year on purpose. This year is our year. Everything is changing. Everything is being reevaluated. I am so excited to be alive.

Misunderstood...

A while ago I had the revelation that parenting was like taking care of someone in a natural disater. You don't want FEMA showing up with guns, barking orders, making the situation worse... you want someone to come in and speak with calm authority and a gentle plan. But now that my Girl is going to be 4 I find that not everything that upsets her is because of some major crisis or disaster. Sometimes it is the result of me not choosing my words properly... The other day, she was sorting some awesome magnet toys by color when we had to get in the car to go to grandma's. She got her magnets on their board and climbed into her car seat. Here is a close re-telling of how the conversation went:

"ok, please put your magnets down on the seat so I can buckle you in."
"ok, not yet, i'm finishing."
"sweetheart, you can finish later"
"noooo nowwwww!!!!!" and so the tantrum and the struggle to get buckled began. About half way thru trying to strong arm her into her arm straps, it hit me. She thought that when I said later, I meant, well, later. So I stopped what I was doing to her, she yelled and was angry for a bit and then I began again.
"Sweetheart, do you think I will not let you have your crispy-cookies (that was the game with the magnets, i guess) back?"
"mmmmm"
"Well, what I meant to say was that as soon as you are buckled you can have your magnets back."
"mmm"
I went on to explain to her, after she was buckled with her magnets back safely in her lap, that sometimes mommy might say something that is good but it might not come out sounding like that. I told her that if she didn't like the sound of what I'm saying to ask me what the plan is. She seamed satisfied with that and then let it go. When we got back into the car to go home, she put her magnets on the seat next to her and said "I can have them back later when I'm buckled, right mommy?"
This morning, she asked me for a morning cartoon and I said no, not right now, maybe after lunch. She looked at me and said "What's the plan?" so I explained the simple version of my very busy day and came to the part where she could watch a movie after lunch. Well, she thru her fit anyway, and I sat with her and held her hand while she was upset. When the crying ended, she seemed to have forgotten about the movie and hasn't asked me since.

It is hard to be new to this world. She has such a greater understanding of the universe than anyone knows, but the language she possess isn't always enough for even the simplest communications. I try to take it one thing at a time, but it is so easy to get frustrated and bossy. I just keep telling her I love her no matter what and that even if we are sad today, tomorrow will be better.

Today I Saw Fear in My Daughter's Eyes.

The Man Child was screaming, we were trying to get ready to go, there was crap- err, I mean really great wooden kitchen toys all over my bed and I had just stepped on one. dammit. I lost it. I screamed at my daughter. Like scream screamed. at the 3 year old. for nothing. Then when she collapsed in tears, instead of calming myself down and repairing the damage, I got even more angry listening to Man Child's shrieks escalating, that I spanked my baby. i hit her. on the bum. twice. This is the worst moment of my life. no- scratch that. The worst moment came right after when she looked up at me with fear, real "oh my god my life is in danger" fear in her eyes.
Before I started yelling and screaming I had asked her to please pick up your toys. I could feel myself losing it. Man Child was really sad because he hates getting dressed and has a rash... and he could feel the anger and frustration building up. Then KaBean really didn't want to go anywhere, she just wanted to stay home and play. And considering that we were only going to my mom's to check e-mail, I guess we could have stayed and worked it out, but I just got in that space and couldn't pull myself out. It was like I was watching a Lifetime movie, but not participating. I finally got Man Child dressed but Bean was walking around the house whimpering and I lost it. I should have gotten down and looked at her and tried to work with what she was feeling, but the screaming baby would not settle, he would not stop unless I was holding him. So I lost it. I screamed. Then I hit. It is something I never want to do again, but what happens next time? How will I learn to control my anger? What do I do if I can't contain myself. My poor little ones. Will they be scarred for life?
KaBean eventually picked up her toys and we all got in the car where the Man Child fell fast asleep. I apologized to Bean for losing it and getting so mad. I asked her if she felt ok and if there was anything I could do for her to help her feel better. We drove to the Starbucks holding hands, which was really hard but worth it, and I got her apple juice as a special treat. By the time we got to my mom's she felt much better and while her brother napped in the car, we splashed in the rain and had some special time.
I hate what I did, but I refuse to let this go unnoticed. This is not my parenting style. This will not be how my children remember their childhood. I will learn from the look in my daughters eyes.

Busy, Busy and a Huge Fight

So, the last few days have been intense. We had a few good days, I started running the Nutcracker rehearsals for the Mendocino Ballet. That was fine, I don't know how I feel about working with little kids. I mean, last week was alright but pretty soon I have to tell them that they aren't all good enough to do certain parts. How do you say that to some little kid who wants to be the next great ballerina without taking class. I mean god really, you think you're kid should be in the Nutcracker but you (or they) don't want to go to class every week? Really? really. You think this is gonna work out? Great. And I have to try to make a presentable dance out of girls who don't go to class. Sweet.
Any way, I made some delish vegan/gluten free chocolate cupcakes that were soooo great! The frosting was A-MAZE-ING! And instead of sweetening the cupcakes with sugar the recipe called for using maple syrup! Sooo yummy!
Gave Zen a bath, that is always fun! I love bath days for him, he looks so happy when I put him in the water. He likes when I pour the water over his buda belly. The big goofy grin he gets is sooo cute.

Then tonight, at 1 o'clock in the morning, when I was trying to sneak a diaper on Kaya, she woke up and had a huge melt down. I mean huge! She started freaking out, kicking, screaming, punching, hair pulling. I thought she was going to break her legs in the crib slats. (It is a 3 sided bed now, but still has crib sides) It was so bad. I started crying in frustration, and pain, that girl kicks soooo hard! I was so upset, I just want to be a good mom, but after this... Ahh, I wanted to just spank her and make her put the damn diaper on and stop crying and go to bed dammit! AHHHH!!! I have such a hard time managing my hanger and frustration with her. I know she needs love and attention and not to be pushed aside so I can take care of Zen. But, and I know I've said this before, I'd rather nurse and snuggle than get yelled at and hit. ugh. I'm doing the best I can, trying to feed her more home cooked and less packaging and more fruit and less 'snacks'. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and I know I love her. I love my girl soo much, I want to get stronger in my peace with her. She is amazing and so intelligent and when I treat her right she can be sooo good. Any way, good night. I'll see you tomorrow.

Ballet Class, Fun Times Parenting, and an Awesome Song!

This is Kaya's 3rd ballet class. or fourth...? I'm so crap at keeping track of time. Any way, she is really starting to enjoy it! Melinda is great with the little ones and Kaya already loves her so even though she is the youngest in her class, she is picking it up pretty well! Last week they did rainbow arms and Kaya came home and showed my mom and I over and over again! Soooo cute.

I'm having a hard time with this whole peaceful parenting thing. Being patient with Kaya when she is screaming and throwing her sippy cup at me is quite the daily challenge. I try to get down to her level and talk to her in a quiet, calm voice but--- she punches me. One AP website suggests holding your child while they cry to show them you are there for them. So, I tried that and--- she punched me again. yay. Giving her all the attention she needs is really hard when I really just want to curl up with Zen and nurse and play and snuggle. As much as I love LOVE Kaya, it is easier to love the baby who gazes up at you trying to smile and hold on tho the nipple at the same time! But then Kaya will sing one of her songs and look up at me and say "I love you, Mommy... and I love Daddy... and Zenny... and I love Gramma... and...." etc. lol. I love her!

Song sample. to the tune of frere jaques.
Apple sauce are falling
Apple sauce are falling

To the ground
To the ground

Pick 'em and eating
123456

For you and me
For you and me.

My bad self with Zenny in his carrier, taking Kaya to the playground!

Baby Noises in the Dark

My boy dreams like a puppy and my girl snores like her dad. I don't think I could sleep without these two close to me. The soft little shuffles of Zen rooting for my breast so we can both stay asleep is so peaceful and amazing. I wish we had a bigger bed so Kaya could sleep on my other side. I close my eyes and find his soft little feet under the blankets... remember when Kaya was this small?

We've been without James for 1 week and things are getting better. We can do it.
Zen is a 4 weeks old but wont be a month old till Monday.
Our GrowVia hybrid diapers got her today. Zen is testing them before we put them to 'long car ride' use.

Day 5: Disaster Strikes or Good Start, Race Lost or Melinda is a Goddess!

Woke up this morning to 3 stuffy noses, 3 sore throats and 3 coughs. We were supposed to meet friends at the play ground and then meet Melinda for tea. I almost cancelled everything but instead I texted Melinda and told her we were unwell and, since she is an amazing wonderful person, asked her if she could bring us some "feel better." I packed Kaya and I a good lunch, dressed Zenny and got the kids into the car for our play date at the park. We played and had lunch and Kaya was so good the whole time we were there, but a little sluggish and sleepy acting. Zen slept on my chest in our Beco carrier the whole time. (PS- I love those baby wearing and I LOVE our Beco!) We went to Mendo, then started home for a nap. As we were leaving she started acting so out of it. not bad, just a little cranky 2 year old. then she just stopped listening, she usually has to be asked 2 or 3 times but she usually does it. Today she didn't want to listen or help or be patient or anything. She was kicking and yelling and jumping and she was happy and having fun the whole time. Even when I finally had to yell at her for putting her dirty feet all over  the baby's head and face. I asked her 3 hundred times to stop. "Stop putting your feet on Zenny's head please, Kaya." But she didn't and I wanted to smack her. I don't want to be that kind of mother. Any way, our day just fell to pieces, every moment things just got worse. I was feeding off her energy and she was feeding off me. I fell asleep during the movie, while asleep she got into the bum spray for the cloth wipes and emptied to out onto the floor in her play room. That was the last straw, I tossed her in her bed for a time out and she yelled and hit me and I yelled back and Zen started crying so I started to change him when Kaya started yelling and kicking the bed so hard i thought she was going to break something. So Kaya was kicking, Zen pooped on himself and they were both crying. I called Melinda and she came to my rescue. She came and took Kaya for dinner and an adventure. Zen and I lay down and snuggled, we ate, and I got to knit. Kaya came home and Melinda helped me put her to bed. Now it's my bed time. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Day 4 etc. etc. etc.

So today was decent. Natalie was here over night and helped with bed time and getting Kaya ready for daycare this morning. But she was still kinda grumpy when she got home. Her teacher said she didn't nap at all, so I know she was just tired. I have to learn to be more patient with her when she takes forever to do as I ask. She is frustrated that Daddy is gone again and I think, even though she is always kissing him and loving him and telling us how much she loves him, I think she is a little jealous of Zen. She was doing sooo well but recently she started having accidents again. She started the day she went to daycare after Zen was born and it hasn't really gotten better. On the up side, she did wake herself up in the night to go pee.

Poor little Zenjamin has the snuffles. No fever, just a really stuffy nose. I don't really know what to do besides wait it out. Kaya was stuffy for a 2 days and got right over it, so maybe tomorrow or the next day?

I got really mad at the cowl I'm knitting for Melinda. It wasn't really it's fault, you know, I was doing the knitting. So I decided to take a break from it and go back to working on Jamie's hat. What I really want to do is start a new hat for Kaya but I need to finish something before I start something new.

Now I am off to bed!

Day 2 as a Semi-Single Mom

Sooo... day 2 started off kind of rough. Man-Child woke up at 6 am and wanted to nurse and chat and look at stuff, but I convinced him to at least chill and relax while I rested some more. Then K Bean woke up at 7 but she was easy, I put on UP and she stayed in her bed until it was over. We woke up and had a shower and got the kids in the car and went to my moms where the day got wayyyy better.

We had a rough night though. Poor Bean had a really stuffy nose and a cough all night. Then the poor, ill feeling girl had an accident in the middle of the night. she was sooo sad, I was heart broken. At some point the CD I had on Man leaked and we woke up in a horrible puddle. I think it was a Bum Genius AIO. I found a few disposables in the back of my closet so we'll be in those (at night) until my favorite baby shop in Mendo opens back up on Weds. I got my first FuzziBunz this weekend and I love it!

Well, night 2 has begun and so far Bean hasn't coughed Man is asleep and we're off to a good start.

Simultaneous Bed Times!

Tonight represents an amazing occurrence in the history of my household. Both of my babies went to bed together, at the same time! Thanks to my dear friend Chris for the use of his family heirloom cradle, I got Bean and Man to bed right around the same time. Wade-o read Bean a story while I nursed the Man and then when he was calm, I changed his diaper and swaddled him, put him in the cradle and sung them songs until he was out. Like a light. now he is asleep like a baby! YAY!!!

Let's see if we can keep it up when Wade-o goes back to work...

Today was also Man-Child's 2 week check up. His weight up to 9 lb. 2 oz. So big sooo fast! The doc said he is perfectly healthy and growing like a good boy.

2 Kids. Jeeze Louise!

Today was my first outing with both the kids by myself. We went to the Westport hotel for lunch. It went surprisingly well! The Man-Child slept the whole time and K Bean was amazing! She ate all her french toast and I was able to eat my whole breakfast before it got cold.

As well as that may have gone, life on the home front has been hellllaaaa hectic! J Wizzle has been taking care of us really well, but he wont be here much longer and I'm going to have to figure out how to do all the house keeping and take care of 2 kids all on my own. So tonight is my practice run. Wade-o took Bean to my folks house for a bath and cobbler and she came home and went right to bed. So now, it's up to me to get the kitchen clean before I go to bed at a reasonable hour.
Yeah right.