Today I Failed

Well, yesterday really. I quit. I broke down. I didn't have the strength I needed to keep up with... life. I just stopped existing for about 20 minutes. I told Melinda that I was done, then sat on my front porch and ignored my son. Today, I woke up and hated myself for leaving him in his car seat all alone and scared, something I have never done to him before. KaBean got out of bed and wanted water at the same time I went to get the Man out of his seat and put him to bed. I almost yelled at her for being thirsty. In stead I just took the cup and asked her to go lay back down. I know she was scared because the baby never ever cries like that. I scooped him up and got her water then collapsed into a sobbing heap. She started sobbing and I was saying sorry and she was saying me too and the Man Child was just happy that I hadn't left him.
After they both went to sleep I fell asleep too, still too emotional to really do anything with my alone time, I put the baby into his side-car and fell asleep with the bed mostly to myself.
I woke up thinking that maybe today would be better. But the moment I heard the first request for breakfast I knew there was no way I was going to be a good mom today. I hate that, I want to be the best mom I can possibly be but I just felt so overwhelmed by everything I put my head under the pillow. The whole morning was rough. I managed not to lose it or even raise my voice. But I also didn't manage to play or help or be nice. Melinda came over in the afternoon and took KaBean out of some errands and a treat leaving the Man Child and I to look after one another. So we napped. He napped for about 2 hours. I napped for about 30 minutes. But my mind and emotions were just too restless and all over the place for me to really get any rest so I got up organized my yarn. Now I have a stash basket and a projects basket and I have completely finished the hat part of the Birthday Hat! I'll post pics when it is all done. I also feel a little better. I have to get back in the game. i have to get up and focus and pay attention to them and their needs or I will find the 3 year old feeding the 6 month old water painted paper.


So Here Is Why I Stay Up Too Late

...I don't want to be touched. or looked at. or spoken to. or cried for.
...I don't want to feed anybody. or share the ice cream. or kiss boo boos.
...I don't want to answer questions. or help with sweatshirts. or shoes or the potty.

I Just Want To Be Alone.

Unlike other SAHMs I don't have the huz around to watch the kiddlets so I can run to the market. or yarn shop. or dance class. or the friggin bathroom. If I want to go anywhere, ANYWHERE, I have to pack the diapers and the toys and the clean clothes and the Beco and buckle everyone in. Then I can go where I need to go... not where I want to go. We tried to go to the yarn store today... it went ok but not really. KaBean put a $44 skien of wool in my bag when I wasn't looking. Luckily, the yarn shop lady is ah-maze-ing and simply took it back laughing.
Unlike most single mothers I don't get to (have to) drop them off at day care to go spend 8 (glorious child free) hours at work.
Nope, not me. I am with these 2 small, needy, whiney, sticky, hungry, bored offspring 24/7. and really i want rip my hair out.

Sometimes. But then I turn around and see Bean sharing her toys willingly with her brother. I watch him look at her and say thing. you know babies do- long sentances of sounds that make sense only to the baby. And she looks back at him and listens to him like she knows just what he is saying. Then she comes over and kisses my hand (her new thing) and says "I love you Mommy."
And I forget all about pulling my hair out.
Then Bean does something that make the Man Child laugh. Not chuckle or giggle, but full on belly laugh! I mean my fat little baby sits there waving his arms up and down guffawing! So stinking cute...
And I forget about being alone.
I can not imagine my life without them in it. I don't want to drop them off for a long day at a job that probably wouldn't pay me enough any way. But I do really want Wade-O home so that when I start to feel overwhelmed I have to option of going somewhere alone. Even if it is just to the shower without the worry that I'll have to get out mid shampoo if someone starts crying.



Yesterday we had the perfect moment. I got to take a long-ish shower and when I got out, the kiddlets were playing together. Happily. So I sat in my new chair and knit. It was glorious!


The Bean Says Something Funny and My Letters to the State and the Taxpayers.

So, KaBean really thinks it is the 90's. She is brining back the "Not". As in, wow mom this chicken is super yummy. NOT!  Only she says it like people say "Sure enough!"

"Hey Bean, wanna brush your teeth?"
"Ummm... Sure not."

Like its one word- surenot. Cracks me up! She is really starting to open up to me, well family in general, and say new things. I can see it on her face when she is trying out a new word. When she wants to tell me about something new or repeating something from Angelina Ballerina.  Lately she has been trying to pronounce things more like she hears in her shows, both of which come out of the UK. So she decided to call her new doll Molly Monstah. She tries other words like Feather, Helicopter (this is probably the funniest), Danger and Car. all pronounced with this awesome flat ah sound at the end. but the way it comes out after the helikoptah. hahahhaaa so funny!

So, here is my thank you note to the state.

Dear State of California-
Thanks for dinner. My kids and I really appreciate the wonder full food you bought us. (Really, I'm really glad that the FoodStamp program in this state allows for organic food.)
But I had a really shitty time. You made me feel a little bit like slime because my man works and does the best he can and NO I do not want to sue him for child support. Like I was some half person for stepping up and admitting that my family needs your help. I mean sure, you were nice in that sort of generic-average friendly office worker ways. But thru our whole first date you looked at me like I didn't deserve to walk even behind and to the left of you. But go ahead, give the crazy crack head lady that hangs out at the recycling center her Cash Aid, I'll sit here and brainstorm what she does with it. I really loved the way you said things. Like "FAILURE TO COOPERATE"  and "RIGHTS" like it is some dirty word.
So, honestly, thanks for the help. But maybe next time, after you screw me for personal information how about leaving a flower with the money.
The World's Worst Homemaker

Now to the tax payers- Thank you. I don't know if anyone has ever said this to those taxpayers reading this. Thank You. I am so grateful that we have been able to receive help in this bumpy moment in our lives. I wanted you to know that "those enablement programs" do really help real people who have been effected by the economy. We are really out there. And we really really appreciate the help.
Thank you


I'm Sure I've Said This Before...

...but I don't feel like looking back...

It is amazing what I can hear when I listen.
My poor girl was just trying to tell me something and instead of listening, I blew up. If I had just slowed my roll, you know? taken the time to cool off- I would have heard her. So because I will not let that moment go, we have had a great weekend and learned a few things on the way.

She just wants Me. She wants me to put the baby down and turn off the computer and play. Stop telling her what to do and do it with her. Turns out that if we do things together... at the same time... we get things done a lot faster! For instance, getting dressed. We put our socks on at the same time, and pants, and shirts and so on. If I sit on the floor and toss things into the toy box with her, it is more fun and a lot less shouting! AND it is all about bed time with her. When I just put her in bed and lay down with the Man Child she wakes up all pissy and mad at the world. But, since Wade-O is still gone, I have moved her into the side car crib to sleep next to me. She usually watches a short little movie on Netflix while I nurse Man Child to sleep. When he is finally asleep we brush our teeth together and sit in the living room for 1 or 2 stories before moving to the bed for a few more. When KaBean was new to this world I read tot her all the time. No matter what was going on I always had a book to read to her from. But as she got bigger and then the new baby came, the reading slowed to a bare trickle. Now it is my mission to read to her all the time and never turn her down when she wants a story. So last night while we were laying in bed after we read 4 full length Dr. Suess books and she still wasn't sleepy, I started telling her made up stories. About Molly Monstah and her best friend, a princess with the magical ability to make plants grow. After about 3 or 4 or 5 of these, she finally fell asleep holding my hand... really though she some how got a hold of my whole arm and drooled on it.

I guess the thing is no matter what kind of mood or emotional state we may find ourselves our children at least deserve the effort of calming down. We can always vent and be angry after they go to bed.

And so now I listen. And 2 days and the start of a 3rd have come and gone quite nicely...


Our Love Is Different

Our love is different. It is different than it was the day we met. We both felt it but couldn't label it. It was new. It was right. It was a strong bond that was more friendship than lust. Then it became lust. and it was amazing. And we knew. For a few months, maybe even a year, we knew but said nothing. Then, one night while lying in the Van, we pledged our love to one another. And it was different. It was still new. It was even more right. We became partners. In life, in love. Then we decided to have kids. To bring life into our partnership. Maybe in a year or 2. When his career was bigger. But she came, right away, into our union with no warning. Even living on a bus making no money we knew she was right on time. 1+1=3. And our love grew and changed. It was different. Now our love was weary. It was worried and stressed out. But it was still ours. and it was still right. The lust left. completely. Our love became friendly. We could talk about everything, but not touch each other. it was my fault. I felt ugly and fat and gross. My body had just given birth and I didn't know how to embrace that, so I felt untouchable. Our love endured. He started traveling. a lot. Our love changed. It was different. It was stretched thin and fragile. I almost broke it. But it stayed. And we mended it. and made it stronger. We were best friends. Ever trusting in one another's ability to return. Then we thought, maybe Baby #2. in a year or 2. But he came. adding his little soul to our unit. Embracing us as we welcomed him into our living room. He saw me give birth, all by myself. He saw my power and helped me embrace it. Our love changed. It became stronger. Our friendship and trust became so great it exploded back into new love and the lust returned. And so it is different. And then he had to go. He had to work to put bread and bacon sandwiches on the table. He had to go away to get the money we (sadly) need to live in this world. But after years of not wanting to be touched my body misses his and I wish it was he who shared this bed rather than the nursling beside me.
Our love is different. Every time I turn around, it changes. Our relationship will continue to grow and morph in way I can't imagine. The love we share is not bound by societal norms. It is not forced to conform to your idea of marriage. We will not let the government dictate how we will live together and raise our children. We will trust in each other to always be honest and genuine in our dealings with one another. even if it hurts. There will be twists and turns. There will be repairs, and mending. and explosions. The only thing that is certain is that I would never trade these years of love that we have shared for anything.

I love you.


Today I Saw Fear in My Daughter's Eyes.

The Man Child was screaming, we were trying to get ready to go, there was crap- err, I mean really great wooden kitchen toys all over my bed and I had just stepped on one. dammit. I lost it. I screamed at my daughter. Like scream screamed. at the 3 year old. for nothing. Then when she collapsed in tears, instead of calming myself down and repairing the damage, I got even more angry listening to Man Child's shrieks escalating, that I spanked my baby. i hit her. on the bum. twice. This is the worst moment of my life. no- scratch that. The worst moment came right after when she looked up at me with fear, real "oh my god my life is in danger" fear in her eyes.
Before I started yelling and screaming I had asked her to please pick up your toys. I could feel myself losing it. Man Child was really sad because he hates getting dressed and has a rash... and he could feel the anger and frustration building up. Then KaBean really didn't want to go anywhere, she just wanted to stay home and play. And considering that we were only going to my mom's to check e-mail, I guess we could have stayed and worked it out, but I just got in that space and couldn't pull myself out. It was like I was watching a Lifetime movie, but not participating. I finally got Man Child dressed but Bean was walking around the house whimpering and I lost it. I should have gotten down and looked at her and tried to work with what she was feeling, but the screaming baby would not settle, he would not stop unless I was holding him. So I lost it. I screamed. Then I hit. It is something I never want to do again, but what happens next time? How will I learn to control my anger? What do I do if I can't contain myself. My poor little ones. Will they be scarred for life?
KaBean eventually picked up her toys and we all got in the car where the Man Child fell fast asleep. I apologized to Bean for losing it and getting so mad. I asked her if she felt ok and if there was anything I could do for her to help her feel better. We drove to the Starbucks holding hands, which was really hard but worth it, and I got her apple juice as a special treat. By the time we got to my mom's she felt much better and while her brother napped in the car, we splashed in the rain and had some special time.
I hate what I did, but I refuse to let this go unnoticed. This is not my parenting style. This will not be how my children remember their childhood. I will learn from the look in my daughters eyes.


Molly Monsta

So this is my first real sewing project. Ever. I have never really been good at this sort of thing but since I had the Man Child I have been really into making things for the people I love with my hands. 
After I had all her parts sewn together, I cut out a small red felt heart and sewed Bean's (real) name into and stuffed it. The I wrote power words, like love and kindness and strength, on pieces of scrap fabric and put them all inside the monster so that Bean will carry my love with me every place she goes. This was a very rewarding experience, when I finally presented Bean with her finished Monster she took it in her arms and gave it a big hug and rushed off to show it all her toys. When she came back, I asked her "what is her name?" 
"Oh that is a good name, Molly the Monster."
"No, mommy...
Step one- lots of monster parts.

Step 2- hey look, a monster body!

Step 3- a bright pink head attached to the monster body.

Step 4- stuffing! cupcakes optional. sorta. not really. ok, you need cupcakes.

Step 5- love and a name. and eaten cupcakes. chocolate. with chocolate chips on top.
"Her Name is Molly. Molly Monsta!"


More Baby Wearing.

ok, so here are a few more... Also, these are all the Bean. and a surprise

Here she is questioning the intelligence of the person who designed this and her mother who put her into it.

Annnnd the wonderdog. Because she is amazing and had the presence of mind to get in a baby wearing picture.

Ahhh... It is soooo nice in here. Don't sit down, keep moving and stay in the winter sunshine and
 we will get along juusssst fine."- Said like a lady 

"Yo Sun, I dunno about this Sun. This feels really dangerous to me."
-Said like a gangsta

Oh, I thought this exchange needed to relived.


My Baby Wearing Post

So these will probably be way out of order, but here are some pics from our baby wearing journey.

Baby Bean's first time in a sling. We didn't really like that one...

Wow, this is the third time I've tried to publish this but apparently, blogger hates baby wearing. So here are 2. More will come



So in my attempt at playing Farmama, The kids and I spent the weekend at my mom's house working in the yard and crafting. Here are some awesome pictures my mom took of us today. Oh most of them were taken on mom's hipster-matic app. so they look funny. really, read her blog. she will inspire you.

K Bean helping me cut back the lavender.

Tanking leaves (and ping pong stuff) to the burn heap. We didn't let her leave the ping
pong stuff to be burned... that would be bad.

AHHHH!!! Scary monster in the garden!

Garden Gnome

And now onto our craft- I am making Kaya a Monster. A monster made out of old pajamas. This cool book shows you how to cut up your old clothes and make them into other things- like Monsters!!! By using the old clothes you don't have to pay for fabric to get new dolls. Plus it is super inspiring, maybe I will learn enough after a few monsters, I'll know enough to start making my own things...?

All the Monster parts, plus mom's old elna sewing machine, and the book with the Monster instructions

There is the Monster body with no head. or legs.
She is a Nice Monster. Not Scary.

Now I'm stuck her becasue some how I fucked up the tension on the sewing machine and now the fabric curls up as I sew. lame. Tomorrow I will call my mom and see if she can help me fix it.  So even though I can't stuff her I turned her right side out so I could see her. Here you go-



Yo! This is a shout out to my Polish homies! Poland is the fastest rising country on my stats page! Sweet! If any one from Poland reads this, I'd love to know how you found me. Is it one person reading all my posts or a bunch of people? Soooo cool!


Totally Uninspired... Until Today

I live in a world of financial uncertainty. I live in a home without a regular co-parent. I am in a relationship that has spanned the state, the continent, even oceans. I have a fridge and cupboards that are very seldom full. I am behind on rent, and bills and have no car insurance.
I have been very depressed and ill thinking about these... obstacles. I have been unmoved by my children's cries for attention because my head is swirling with the need to solve my families problems. But over the past week and a few days I have encountered such love and support that has blown me away. The women in my life that love me and my children have been so amazing these dark days. (Tuesday) I truly thought I had hit rock bottom when one friend had me over for tea. Just a simple moment of rest while she held the Man Child and we sipped her favorite winter blend out of matching cups. (Thursday) An amazing hike-with-babes on what might be my new favorite walking place with dear Raintree. We walked up the Big River haul road and looked back over the river to the ocean and marveled at the blessed place we are so fortunate to live in. (Saturday) One of my dearest and oldest friends came out of nowhere (ok, a surprise trip home from the city for a family thing but still) to show up on my door step when I needed her most. And she had cookies. Home made cookies. Home made by her mom cookies. Yeah, you wish you had a friend like that. Then she cleaned my kitchen. Her kindness and love left me in tears. I'm actually tearing up thinking about how much her visit meant to me. -my kitchen is still clean- (Sunday) A light night visitor with eclairs. And a light mood. Yeah, I have friends who just show up with baked goods. What? (Monday) A late night tea with my tea friend. She needed a space and a power cord and I happened to have both. Sometimes company and another person in your home is all you need to go to bed happy. and more tea. (Wednesday) An amazing surprise trip with the kiddlets to see a very dear friend I thought I had lost. We weren't able to talk much because of a beautiful pit bull and Bean but just being in her presence made my spirit feel a little less crushed. And finally, today- back with Miss Raintree at Big River. We stayed on the beach this time because the tide was way in when we got there and we saw seals and otters playing right in the river. And Bean really wanted to play on the beach. It was such and amazing day. I think it really helped cap off this week of pain and sadness and healing.
What I have realized over the past few days thinking back on my women friends and the little-huge ways they all helped me thru, is that are more ways to love people than just the sexual mate love or the fruit-of-my-loin mother/father/child love. There is a great and powerful women love that few women are allowed to realize. I love these women who have touched my life. The ones I have know for what seams like forever but really just since grade school. The one who helped deliver my son and encouraged me to ba as strong as I am. The one who's family has a whole different set of problems and struggles than mine but can still commiserate and lend a shoulder to lean (or sob) on. Every woman in this world needs her friends close to her. She needs a group, not just one or two but a whole group, that she can rely on. She needs to be that to her friends too. Like baking crazy dietary cookies in the middle of the night because she just knows that they will make someone's whole week better when delivered first thing in the morning. Or answering the phone to listen about single life drama in the city- weekly soap opera updates! umm yay! Or reassuring her mom friend that "you are a great mother and don't let any one tell you otherwise!"
Take the time in your life to think of the women closest to you and thank them or help them because we are stronger together.