Today I Failed

Well, yesterday really. I quit. I broke down. I didn't have the strength I needed to keep up with... life. I just stopped existing for about 20 minutes. I told Melinda that I was done, then sat on my front porch and ignored my son. Today, I woke up and hated myself for leaving him in his car seat all alone and scared, something I have never done to him before. KaBean got out of bed and wanted water at the same time I went to get the Man out of his seat and put him to bed. I almost yelled at her for being thirsty. In stead I just took the cup and asked her to go lay back down. I know she was scared because the baby never ever cries like that. I scooped him up and got her water then collapsed into a sobbing heap. She started sobbing and I was saying sorry and she was saying me too and the Man Child was just happy that I hadn't left him.
After they both went to sleep I fell asleep too, still too emotional to really do anything with my alone time, I put the baby into his side-car and fell asleep with the bed mostly to myself.
I woke up thinking that maybe today would be better. But the moment I heard the first request for breakfast I knew there was no way I was going to be a good mom today. I hate that, I want to be the best mom I can possibly be but I just felt so overwhelmed by everything I put my head under the pillow. The whole morning was rough. I managed not to lose it or even raise my voice. But I also didn't manage to play or help or be nice. Melinda came over in the afternoon and took KaBean out of some errands and a treat leaving the Man Child and I to look after one another. So we napped. He napped for about 2 hours. I napped for about 30 minutes. But my mind and emotions were just too restless and all over the place for me to really get any rest so I got up organized my yarn. Now I have a stash basket and a projects basket and I have completely finished the hat part of the Birthday Hat! I'll post pics when it is all done. I also feel a little better. I have to get back in the game. i have to get up and focus and pay attention to them and their needs or I will find the 3 year old feeding the 6 month old water painted paper.


The Way of the Peaceful Parent www.peaceful-parent.com said...

Kat, I'm worried about you, I was worried about you when I read your previous post, where you lost it and screamed at your girl and hit your boy, it's not that you're failing, you just simply are not coping at the moment - it's ok that you're not coping, you shouldn't feel ashamed, you're doing your best, most parents at home alone with a baby and toddler really struggle to cope at least some of the time - sounds like you don't have enough support, something has to change. You need and deserve to get more support. You need support, you need help. Where can you access it? Is there a local play group with other parents who you could hang out with? Is there a La Leache League group near by, could you get somebody to come and visit, what about talking to your doctor, can you access free counselling? You're better off access local face to face help, but another option is that I do phone appointments with parents. Access as much support as you can.

Kat - it's unlikely to ever be this hard again (hopefully!) in your parenting life - this is where you need to call in any and all help that you can. What's your plan? Tell your man how bad it is, be honest, don't play it down. Tell friends and family (who are safe) that you're not coping.

Let me know how you get on.

Guggie Daly said...

Thank you for sharing the raw and the negative. I hope things look better for you soon! Whitney mentioned yesterday that Mercury is in retrograde which supposedly makes life terrible right now.

...Not that I am into that stuff, but I thought it was incidentally interesting...

Carve out a time to pamper yourself and catch a breath of peace. It will do wonders. <3