Well, yesterday really. I quit. I broke down. I didn't have the strength I needed to keep up with... life. I just stopped existing for about 20 minutes. I told Melinda that I was done, then sat on my front porch and ignored my son. Today, I woke up and hated myself for leaving him in his car seat all alone and scared, something I have never done to him before. KaBean got out of bed and wanted water at the same time I went to get the Man out of his seat and put him to bed. I almost yelled at her for being thirsty. In stead I just took the cup and asked her to go lay back down. I know she was scared because the baby never ever cries like that. I scooped him up and got her water then collapsed into a sobbing heap. She started sobbing and I was saying sorry and she was saying me too and the Man Child was just happy that I hadn't left him.
After they both went to sleep I fell asleep too, still too emotional to really do anything with my alone time, I put the baby into his side-car and fell asleep with the bed mostly to myself.
I woke up thinking that maybe today would be better. But the moment I heard the first request for breakfast I knew there was no way I was going to be a good mom today. I hate that, I want to be the best mom I can possibly be but I just felt so overwhelmed by everything I put my head under the pillow. The whole morning was rough. I managed not to lose it or even raise my voice. But I also didn't manage to play or help or be nice. Melinda came over in the afternoon and took KaBean out of some errands and a treat leaving the Man Child and I to look after one another. So we napped. He napped for about 2 hours. I napped for about 30 minutes. But my mind and emotions were just too restless and all over the place for me to really get any rest so I got up organized my yarn. Now I have a stash basket and a projects basket and I have completely finished the hat part of the Birthday Hat! I'll post pics when it is all done. I also feel a little better. I have to get back in the game. i have to get up and focus and pay attention to them and their needs or I will find the 3 year old feeding the 6 month old water painted paper.