Today I Saw Fear in My Daughter's Eyes.

The Man Child was screaming, we were trying to get ready to go, there was crap- err, I mean really great wooden kitchen toys all over my bed and I had just stepped on one. dammit. I lost it. I screamed at my daughter. Like scream screamed. at the 3 year old. for nothing. Then when she collapsed in tears, instead of calming myself down and repairing the damage, I got even more angry listening to Man Child's shrieks escalating, that I spanked my baby. i hit her. on the bum. twice. This is the worst moment of my life. no- scratch that. The worst moment came right after when she looked up at me with fear, real "oh my god my life is in danger" fear in her eyes.
Before I started yelling and screaming I had asked her to please pick up your toys. I could feel myself losing it. Man Child was really sad because he hates getting dressed and has a rash... and he could feel the anger and frustration building up. Then KaBean really didn't want to go anywhere, she just wanted to stay home and play. And considering that we were only going to my mom's to check e-mail, I guess we could have stayed and worked it out, but I just got in that space and couldn't pull myself out. It was like I was watching a Lifetime movie, but not participating. I finally got Man Child dressed but Bean was walking around the house whimpering and I lost it. I should have gotten down and looked at her and tried to work with what she was feeling, but the screaming baby would not settle, he would not stop unless I was holding him. So I lost it. I screamed. Then I hit. It is something I never want to do again, but what happens next time? How will I learn to control my anger? What do I do if I can't contain myself. My poor little ones. Will they be scarred for life?
KaBean eventually picked up her toys and we all got in the car where the Man Child fell fast asleep. I apologized to Bean for losing it and getting so mad. I asked her if she felt ok and if there was anything I could do for her to help her feel better. We drove to the Starbucks holding hands, which was really hard but worth it, and I got her apple juice as a special treat. By the time we got to my mom's she felt much better and while her brother napped in the car, we splashed in the rain and had some special time.
I hate what I did, but I refuse to let this go unnoticed. This is not my parenting style. This will not be how my children remember their childhood. I will learn from the look in my daughters eyes.


Melissa said...

Happens to the best of mothers xoxoxo

Zoe said...

The difference is that you realise things got on top of you and vow to correct it... you are a wonderful mother!

I too had a really awful day, yelled at my daughter to go to sleep (I am ill and she was awake ALL night) and she was so upset that I was mad at her. Tomorrow will be a better day.

The ArtsyMama said...

I'm glad you were strong enough to write about this and to post it as well. Good luck mama. 

dulce de leche said...

Many warm hugs to you! Grace is for mamas, too. <3

Jenny said...

Please don't beat yourself up. You recognize the behavior and don't want to repeat it - that in itself is an accomplishment. I comment you for your honesty. I could have written a very similar post. Much love to you. Give yourself grace.