So here is the game plan-
First, positive affirmation- I am a great Mom. I love my kids more than life itself and I know I can do this. It is going to get better but I need to acknowledge these emotions and learn from them. It is going to take time but I am going to feel better. soon.
Now, The Plan- Melinda came and facilitated a few hours of semi-alone time. The first I have had in a long time. The plan is to continue finding, eking out bits af alone time. Time to breath, spin, knit, read... My mom has said that she totally understands, my dad used to travel all the time when I was a kid too. She is going to look after both of them for a few hours this weekend so I can do whatever I want... maybe even nap in an empty bed? Best of all though, Wade-O is supposed to be home for a few days starting tomorrow. So I will get to see him and work in some time to myself. yay.
I don't want to cause any worry, I don't think I have it in me to spank KaBean again. The energy it takes to recover from it is too much to bear. In fact, I think that might have led to my mini-melt down. I know I am not this mother. If I was I don't think I'd be talking about it an the web.
We had an amazing dinner time/chill out/bed time tonight. We all played and ate together (except the baby, he's still not ready for solids). Then went for a little drive to the headlands to see the ocean. Then we all brushed our teeth together (except the baby, lol). I let KaBean watch Kipper while I nursed the Man Child to sleep and when he was out, I snuggled with Bean for almost an hour and a half. Sometimes we talked about about things, sometimes not, she even let me finger brush her hair. (she just came out and asked me to take her jammies off so could sleep lol). When it was time for her to go to bed she started to resist and I specifically asked her to please lie down because mommy needs alone time so she doesn't get sad or mean any more. My daughter looked at me and said "ok, you get sad because you miss daddy yes? me too. it's ok. he's be home tomorrow." And she went right to her bed and lay down. She is still awake, she just came to me for help but went right back to her night time space. I can hear her singing.